Second Saturday Divorce Workshops http://www.secondsaturday.com Fri, 21 Nov 2014 00:29:06 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0.1 Warming Up Your Audience http://www.secondsaturday.com/warming-audience/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/warming-audience/#respond Thu, 13 Nov 2014 23:54:36 +0000 http://www.secondsaturday.com/?p=1909 Your attendees are walking in with worry, desperation and downright angst in their faces. The truth is that they are terrified – but you can help them through their fears. Here are some tips that have worked for us over the years.

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Tip Sheet: Pitching Second Saturday to the Media http://www.secondsaturday.com/pitching-second-saturday-media/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/pitching-second-saturday-media/#respond Thu, 13 Nov 2014 23:08:40 +0000 http://www.secondsaturday.com/?p=1902 Leveraging the Halo Effect of WIFE.org. All members of the media will respond far more to a non-profit pitch than one from someone in financial services – as will your Second Saturday attendees.

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Tip Sheet: Converting Attendees Into Clients http://www.secondsaturday.com/converting-attendees-clients/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/converting-attendees-clients/#comments Tue, 23 Sep 2014 16:55:09 +0000 http://www.secondsaturday.com/?p=1738 In the truest of virtuous circles, there are many ways to leverage Second Saturday into building your business. This month’s tip sheet synopsizes the many tried and true ideas for doing this from leaders around the country.

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Divorce Workshop Started by WIFE.org Featured on NBC 7 San Diego http://www.secondsaturday.com/divorce-workshop-started-wife-org-featured-nbc-7-san-diego/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/divorce-workshop-started-wife-org-featured-nbc-7-san-diego/#respond Thu, 04 Sep 2014 22:12:12 +0000 http://www.secondsaturday.com/?p=1637 Video: Why You should attend the Second Saturday divorce workshop featured on NBC 7

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Video: Why You should attend the Second Saturday divorce workshop featured on NBC 7

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Tip Sheet: Filling the Seats at Your Workshop http://www.secondsaturday.com/filling-seats-workshop/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/filling-seats-workshop/#comments Tue, 12 Aug 2014 08:31:42 +0000 http://www.secondsaturday.com/?p=1612 The biggest question we’ve gotten over the years from other Second Saturday Leaders is, 'How do we fill the seats?'

After almost twenty-six years of helping almost ten thousand individuals in our flagship workshop and raising nearly $300,000 for the San Diego community we’ve consolidated 'tricks of the trade' that will help build your audience every single month.

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The Kids Are Just Fine http://www.secondsaturday.com/kids-just-fine/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/kids-just-fine/#respond Tue, 22 Jul 2014 19:35:31 +0000 http://www.secondsaturday.com/?p=1525 How much do parents need to worry that divorce will have a long term negative effect on their children? Fortunately, far less than you think. Research shows that the vast majority of children weather divorce safely.

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Penguin LovePromise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

–Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

How much do parents need to worry that divorce will have a long term negative effect on their children? Fortunately, far less than you think. Research shows that the vast majority of children weather divorce safely. In fact, spending excessive time and energy worrying about the kids may give them the feeling that the difficult process of divorce is too hard for anyone, child or adult, to handle. Even though divorce is initially painful and disruptive, children can recover very well.

Scientific American Mind  offers a summary of studies on children and divorce showing that on average there are only very small differences between children of divorced parents and those from intact families. Over time, children of divorce are not much different in their academic achievement, self-concept, social relationships, behavior and emotional health from their peers who haven’t experienced a family split.  Research shows, too, that most children of divorce become well-adjusted adults.

Rather than wallowing in worry about how your kids will turn out, you can invest in their future well-being in real ways. Author of The Successful Single Mom, Honorée Corder, gives the following five tips for making the biggest and best positive impact:

  1. Give the kids your time and attention.  It’s what they want and need most from you.
  2. Create space for them to talk to and confide in you. Make sure they have an opportunity to express their feelings and concerns with acceptance and without judgment.
  3. Tell them you love them, no matter what. This helps especially when there has been a disappointment or setback that they might mistakenly feel was their fault.
  4. Get them any additional help they need, such as individual or family therapy.
  5. Allow them to love and spend time with each of their parents, without a negative word from you. You can shelter them from adult conflict and anxiety by being respectful of their relationship with their other parent.

With more than a million children in the U.S. facing the experience of their parents’ divorce each year, the support network is expanding. Today, teachers, counselors, doctors, and therapists are more tuned in to the needs of kids in family transition than ever before. Help is available for parents and children. Rather than worry, observe your kids to see what kind of help they might need in coping.

If your kids look, behave, and talk as they always have; if they enjoy the same activities; keep thriving at school; and maintain friendships, chances are good that the kids are just fine and will make a complete recovery.

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Comfort for Kids Dealing with Divorce http://www.secondsaturday.com/comfort-kids-dealing-divorce/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/comfort-kids-dealing-divorce/#respond Tue, 22 Jul 2014 19:18:54 +0000 http://www.secondsaturday.com/?p=1519 How does divorce look from a child’s point of view? Even if life has not been rosy at home for some time, children may be very afraid of what the end of their parents’ marriage will mean for them.

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Rainbow after the stormGod puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us—in the dreariest and most dreaded moments—can see a possibility of hope.

–Maya Angelou

How does divorce look from a child’s point of view? Even if life has not been rosy at home for some time, children may be very afraid of what the end of their parents’ marriage will mean for them.

When parents split apart, so does a child’s world. In divorce, children suffer many losses: one parent has moved out, they may have to move to a different home and lose familiar surroundings, friendships may change, and money may be tight. In divorce, children face their own shock and grief as well as the hurt and anger their parents may be struggling to control.

In these difficult circumstances, kids need to know that there’s a new and positive future ahead for everyone. Family law attorney, Susan S. Coats, calls on divorcing parents to focus on the positive when she says, “Something is ending, yes, but at the same time you are starting something new. For your child’s sake, you need to work as hard as you can to create two new families, and it will take both parents to make sure that the new families flourish.”

To restore a child’s sense of security and safety, they need reassurance that they will be okay and so will their parents. Here are some healing steps you can take:

Reassure Your Kids

Children need to know that they are not to blame for the divorce or any of the difficulties between their parents. Let your kids know they are loved no matter what. They may fear they will be abandoned. After all, one parent did leave the other. Let them know that won’t happen to them. Let them ask the questions they need to ask. Your calm and loving demeanor will reassure them that some things have not changed.

Restore Their Stable Routine

Kids have a lot going on inside and their world is all about them much of the time. The sooner you can restore a routine they can count on, the better. When they know where they’ll be doing their homework, they can focus on their homework. Try to keep what you can of their world intact or establish a new milieu for them as soon as you can.

Revive Their Hope for Future Happiness

When parents manage to establish a peaceful and cooperative relationship after divorce, kids can learn to expect happiness, fun, and comfort once again. It may not be the family they once had, but it might provide for them very well. Parents who manage to heal themselves and adjust to divorce can be role models of resilience and recovery for their kids. Your attitude determines your child’s attitude. They count on you to keep their world safe, secure, and filled with promise.

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Six Places to Look for Hidden Assets http://www.secondsaturday.com/six-places-look-hidden-assets/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/six-places-look-hidden-assets/#respond Fri, 20 Jun 2014 22:04:14 +0000 http://www.secondsaturday.com/?p=1407 When couples divorce, mistrust abounds. One of the first things people think of when their spouse asks them for divorce is, he must have been stashing away money.

You know more about your financial situation than any stranger could, so before you hire a private eye to look for hidden funds, think carefully about your circumstances and how your spouse could have squirreled money away.

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Where to look for hidden assets during divorce

When couples divorce, mistrust abounds. One of the first things people think of when their spouse asks them for divorce is, he must have been stashing away money.

You know more about your financial situation than any stranger could, so before you hire a private eye to look for hidden funds, think carefully about your circumstances and how your spouse could have squirreled money away.

1. Was his paycheck automatically deposited to your joint bank account?

If so, look through the check registers and credit card statements to see if you find any unusual outlays or cash withdrawals. Often, the cash he managed to set aside in the back of a closet or deposited into a relative’s bank account is very little because he had very little opportunity to divert funds..

2. Did he take money from brokerage accounts, lines of credit, or cash advances on credit cards?

If so, those withdrawals will appear on the statements for those accounts, so go through those account statements carefully to see if there are funds that have gone missing.

3. Did he receive expense reimbursements?

If so, go through account statements to see if those reimbursements are all accounted for. Don’t forget medical reimbursements that he might have received as well. Some employees delay submitting expense reports to their employer or medical reimbursement forms so that they will receive reimbursements after separation . Keep a clear head as you are going through the records  – you are looking for what isn’t there, and that’s often difficult to see.

4. Did he delay income until after the divorce?

He might have made a deal with his employer to delay bonuses or raises until after the divorce, to avoid splitting the windfall with you. Or perhaps he gets payments in cash that he pockets and doesn’t report on the tax return. Consider what he spends each month – haircuts, meals out, walking-around money. If those lifestyle costs don’t appear on credit card or bank statements, they must have been paid in cash. Figure out how much he spends, and that’s how much additional income he earns.

5. Do you know the source of funds for all custodial accounts set up in the names of children?

If accounts were set up and funded not long before the divorce began, the parent making the contribution may be planning to remove the funds once the divorce is over. Even if the account has been in existence for a while, frequent additions and withdrawals over the years can indicate it is regarded as a personal piggybank by the custodian rather than truly the children’s money.

6. Do you owe money to Uncle Harry and you don’t know why?

When it comes time to divorce, debts owed to friends or family members tend to surface. If there is repayment of a phony debt to a friend or family member, there may be a pre-arrangement that the friend will hold the money until after the divorce. Establish the purpose of the loan and what happened to the funds supposedly borrowed, to determine if it is a legitimate debt.

7. Has his business begun losing money?

He might be reducing income by delaying sending out billings and invoices until after the divorce. He might be paying a girlfriend or relative for services never rendered. Or perhaps he is recording expenses paid to nonexistent employees or service providers but the checks are never cashed. The checks likely will be voided after divorce, but meanwhile they appear to reduce income available for support.

8. Has he been investing in antiques, artwork or hobby equipment that may be overlooked and undervalued?

Look for lush furnishings in the office, or artwork on the walls.  It is not uncommon to find paintings stashed behind doors and in storage, all paid for with marital funds, or find there were purchases of gems, coins and other investments through business or personal accounts, with the assets nowhere in sight.

 

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Should I Keep the House? http://www.secondsaturday.com/keep-house/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/keep-house/#respond Sun, 08 Jun 2014 21:59:23 +0000 http://www.secondsaturday.com/?p=1405 Divorce can shake you to your very foundations. Everything changes, and many people want to cling to the house as the only stability they find in a shifting world.

Whether keeping the house is your best option depends on many different factors. Here are what you need to consider in making that important decision.

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HomeDivorce can shake you to your very foundations. Everything changes, and many people want to cling to the house as the only stability they find in a shifting world. Whether keeping the house is your best option depends on many different factors. Here are what you need to consider in making that important decision.

1. What does the house represent to you? 

Home is a refuge from the world, and for many, it is an extension of themselves and their lives. It is the place the children grew up, where you spent happier days, an embodiment of what your marriage should have been. But are those good reasons to keep the home?

Make a list of each of the benefits of living in the house, then for each one ask yourself what feeling that gives you, and where else could you live to get a similar feeing? For example, I like the fact that my house is set off from the street. It makes me feel safe and feeds my privacy. But I guess I could feel safe in a gated community. And I could feel privacy if I had shutters on the windows, or even thick drapes. Bit by bit, this exercise will help you identify what is important to you and open up to possibilities other than keeping the house.

2. If you keep the house, how long will you live there?

If you plan to keep the house forever, then asking for it in the divorce makes more sense than if you plan to live there for just a couple of years until the kids are grown and gone. Refinancing the mortgage to get your spouse’s name off the loan is costly, and so are the costs of sale when you sell it. Over a short period of time, those expenses are likely to exceed the appreciation of the home, and you will lose money by keeping the house. But if you have many years of appreciation ahead of you, keeping the house might justify the costs to acquire it in the divorce and sell it later on.

3. Does continuing to hold it jointly with my ex make sense?

If you intend to keep the house for just a few years, continuing to hold it jointly with your soon-to-be-ex might make sense. That way you don’t have to refinance to get his name off the mortgage and pay him his share of the equity, nor do you have to trade valuable assets such as retirement accounts for his equity. You can keep your same comfortable mortgage payments, you won’t have to pay costly refinancing expenses or 100% of the cost of sale when you sell, and you will both share in the appreciation.

4. What will you have to give up to keep it?

You may be tempted to trade retirement assets for his equity in the house, but before you do, ask yourself whether you’ll be able reconstruct those retirement assets between now and retirement. Retirement planning in divorce is difficult, because you are already giving up half the retirement in the divorce. Can you afford to give up even more to keep the house?  If your answer is yes, you’ll give up anything to keep the house, realize that you’ll still end up having to sell it when the support runs out and you need funds to retire. By keeping it now, you may only be postponing the inevitable.

5. Can you afford the mortgage payments and home upkeep?

You may be charmed by a low mortgage payment, but once you refinance at today’s interest rates to borrow funds to pay him off and get his name off the mortgage, you may not find your monthly payment quite so charming. You’ll also need to consider the regular maintenance that the house requires, as well as any deferred maintenance that has gone by the wayside as the marriage deteriorated. Buying him out of a home that is falling down around you may turn out to be a disastrous decision.

6. Are you signing up for hidden tax consequences if you keep the house?

You can exclude up to $250,000 of capital gains when you sell your home if you’ve lived there for two of the five years before sale. If you and your spouse sell the home jointly, together you can exclude up to $500,000 of gain. But once you become the sole owner of the house, when you sell it, the entire cost of sale and capital gains liability will be yours alone. If the gain exceeds $250,000 you will have to pay tax on the excess, even though your combined $500,000 exclusion might have saved you from paying taxes. So if your home has gone up significantly in value over the years, you might be better off selling it while it is in both names.

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Helping Children Adjust to Divorce http://www.secondsaturday.com/helping-children-adjust-divorce/ http://www.secondsaturday.com/helping-children-adjust-divorce/#respond Tue, 20 May 2014 17:57:58 +0000 http://secondsaturday.mindgrind.com/?p=1232 What can you do to lessen the long lasting effects your divorce will have on your children? Over a million children experience the divorce of their parents each year, and the trauma usually begins with distress in the home long before there is an actual separation and divorce.

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Child Playing and Having Fun“Be present with your kids. Throw the ball with them now. Take them to the beach today. These are things that children remember, and it is a wonderful strategy for reducing anxiety.” 

–Dr. Wayne Dyer

What can you do to lessen the long lasting effects your divorce will have on your children? Over a million children experience the divorce of their parents each year, and the trauma usually begins with distress in the home long before there is an actual separation and divorce. Children grieve over the divorce just as their parents do. They are losing their secure image of a mom and dad always together. Although you can’t spare your children the process of grieving, putting their feelings first and continuing to function well as a parent will help greatly.

Children face many fears when parents divorce. The more conflict they witness between their parents, the harder it is for them to accept and adjust to the new life situation they are presented with. Conditions that affect children’s ability to deal with divorce include: the quality of their relationship with each of their parents before separation, the intensity of their parents’ conflict, and the parents’ ability to focus on the children’s needs. It’s normal for kids to feel anger, anxiety, and mild depression.

 What Do Kids Want and Need?

Here, from the University of Missouri, is a list of what children want and need from their divorcing parents:

  1. Children need both parents to stay involved in their lives. When a parent doesn’t stay involved, children feel like they are not important and not really loved.
  2. Children want parents to stop fighting and work to get along with each other. They want their parents to try to agree on matters related to them. When kids see their parents fighting about them, they think they did something wrong and feel guilty.
  3. Children want permission to love both parents and to enjoy the time they spend with each one with no pressure to take sides and to love one parent more than the other.
  4. Children want one parent to say only nice things when talking about the other, or say nothing at all. When one parent says mean, unkind things about the other, the child feels like he is expected to take sides.
  5. Children want both parents to be part of their lives. Children count on their mom and dad to raise them, to teach them what is important, and to help them when they have problems.

Remember the Big Picture

You are in charge when it comes to helping your kids adjust to divorce. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new life circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. If you can maintain a good working relationship with your former spouse, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. The difficult transition of divorce can’t be without some measure of hardship, but you can greatly reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.

What’s best for your kids in the long run (and for you, too)? It’s for the children to have a good relationship with both of their parents throughout their lives. The long-term goals are your children’s good physical and mental health and your healthy independence and inner peace. The well-being and happiness of everyone involved should be the vision for your new lives after divorce.

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