LET GO OF FEAR by Becoming Empowered

The more you know, the less you'll worry -- that doesn't mean it will be easy, or all fears will magically vanish.

It does mean that every small step you take in being informed becomes a big step towards your emotional freedom.

Ten Ways to Fall in Love With Valentine’s Day After a Divorce

During the early days of your courtship and marriage, Valentine’s Day may have been full of gorgeous red roses, glittering glasses of expensive wine, and ooey-gooey proclamations of love. Now, even the thought of Valentine’s Day may sting your already-hurting heart. If you’ve recently gotten divorced – even if it was definitely the right thing to do – Valentine’s Day can feel like the world’s biggest reminder of the love you no longer have in your life. Ditto on the endless commercials and ads in the lead-up to the big day.

The way we see it, you have two choices. You can either mope your way through Valentine’s Day, seeing yourself as an un-loveable victim, or you can flip the narrative. Valentine’s Day is all about love, so why not celebrate it and your new untethered life by loving yourself? Here’s how:

Buy Yourself Flowers

Flowers can brighten up even the worst moods and add a little color to your day, so stop by the local flower shop and pick out a bouquet of your favorites. Put them in your kitchen or on the dining room table as a reminder that you are totally going to own Valentine’s Day!

Call Your Best Friend

No one can make you feel better like your very best friend in the world. Ask her for a little time on Valentine’s Day, and of course she’ll say yes. Your best friend will remind you of how awesome you are.

Go Out For Drinks with Single Co-Workers

Let it be known that this Valentine’s Day will be ladies night. Take back this “couples holiday” and turn it into a fun hangout session with your work pals. Over delicious Cosmopolitans you can share dating nightmares, or even take all conversation about men off the table. Not a bad way to make new friends and build office camaraderie.

Hit the Gym

Oh yeah, work up a sweat and get those endorphins going. You won’t feel like a sad sack as you run down miles on the treadmill or shake what your mamma gave you during Zumba. Exercise is a great way to get out anger and frustration and to empower your soul and body!

Watch an Action Flick

Steer clear of the sappy romances tonight, and instead go for explosions, manly grunting, and…more explosions. Action flicks are a time-honored way to distract oneself. They don’t take much thought, and it’s nice to know that the good guy will win in the end.

Pamper Yourself at the Spa

Who needs your ex to give you an awkward foot massage when you can have a professional work out all those knots? Love yourself with a pampering trip to the spa. After the seaweed wrap, hot stone massage, and facial, you will be one gorgeous and relaxed lady.

Go On a Date With Your Kids

It only takes one look at your children to remember that your marriage wasn’t a total waste. You don’t even have time to feel sorry for yourself when you’ve got these little miracles in your life. Take them out for a day at the park, a movie, or a dinner at their favorite restaurant, and their smiles will light up your heavy heart.

Cozy Up With a Good Book

Maybe you don’t have the energy for some big, symbolic act this Valentine’s Day. That’s fine. Instead, escape into the pages of your favorite book. Some time spent away from reality might just be the break you need to get through Valentine’s Day.

Splurge On Something You’ve Been Dying to Buy

Is it those shoes that were just a little out of your price range? How about those tickets to the symphony you felt were a splurge? Heck, just go big with the car of your dreams! If you’ve finally found the power to get out of a bad marriage, you need to reward yourself! Show this Valentine Day who’s boss by treating yourself to a fun splurge – big or small – and create a new Valentine’s Day tradition.

Write Yourself a Love Letter

This Valentine’s Day is all about you. No matter how much your heart is hurting, you know that you are an amazing, beautiful woman who is worthy of love. Tell this to yourself with a true, honest love letter to yourself. Remind yourself of all your strengths, all that you have accomplished, and all that you have to give to the world. You’ll feel so much better afterwards, and this will be a great keepsake to read on Valentine’s Day next year.

Remember, Valentine’s Day is just another day unless you give it the power to bring you down. Just because you don’t have romantic love in your life at the moment doesn’t mean you don’t have any love. Let Valentine’s Day become a day of self-love! Visit our divorce article archives at WIFE.org for even more advice on how to thrive during and after your divorce.

Divorced at Last: How To Quit Complaining and Get On With Your Life

“You can’t reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday’s junk.” — Louise Smith

Move On! Your divorce is final, and it’s time to let go and move on. Are you ready? What will it take for your life after divorce, to truly pick up the pieces and rebuild a new and happy life for yourself?

Some women sail smoothly through this transition, while others get stuck. Everything depends on your decision to resist fear, resentment, and negativity and, instead, embrace courage, hope, and love for yourself and your future.

You may not be able to start over on a desert island with no reminders of the past—you may still need financial and co-parenting support from your former spouse—but your decision to be healthy and happy is all yours and starts now.

Here are some steps you can take:

Decide to Stop Complaining – Is anyone still listening? Would you rather be around a friend who smiles and laughs and invites you to walk in the park or one who prefers to stay in bed and weep with the shades closed? You can be that uplifting friend to yourself. Decide that moving forward toward the light is the right direction. It has been said that the greatest gift you can give your kids (your friends, your family, your colleagues) is your own happiness.
Accept Where You Are Now – Yes, it would be swell if you had no financial worries and as many resources as you had pre-divorce, but now those resources are shared between two households. And you have something of great value—the opportunity and freedom to explore independence, self-reliance, and personal growth. Life is full of ups and downs. By accepting where you are today, you can learn (and teach your kids) faith and resilience. If this is the first time you’ve managed the family finances and planned for your economic future, you’ll find lots of help and lots of company out there.
Build a Relationship with Yourself – Ultimately, you are your greatest resource. Do you know what you’ve got? By committing to a deeper understanding of who you are, what and whom you love, and what you want, you can discover new directions, new goals, and new ways to enjoy and appreciate life. You may find yourself returning to a passionate interest or talent that fell by the wayside during your married life. When life takes a big turn, it’s natural to look closely at ourselves and ask the important questions, including how do I want to spend my precious time here?

Taking good care of yourself, mentally and physically, will make you an active participant in your own healing. Say yes to things that make you feel strong and confident and build your sense of self-worth. Say no to things that feel like doubt and fear. Focus on the future and look for chances to be with people who are good role models for the happiness you are seeking to build. When you talk to yourself, make sure you speak with kindness, gratitude, humor, and love. Life after divorce is exciting!

You are on the road to recovery, and although the process does take dedication and patience, the wisdom you gain will help you put divorce behind you.

“I proclaim that it is never too late to start over and redo, rewrite, or reclaim my life. I can call for Take 2 and be shamelessly committed to my own happiness.” Leeza Gibbons

Working Through the Emotions of Divorce

“If your heart is broken, let it be broken open.” –Alan Cohen

With fifty percent of marriages in America today ending in divorce, there will be many companions on your journey. That may make it less lonely, but not necessarily less painful. Psychologists rank divorce as one of life’s most stressful events. The pain that can accompany the death of a marriage is like the grief that follows any life-altering loss.

Feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, depression, anger, and rage are natural reactions when it seems dramatic changes are in store for the stability of your life circumstances. Knowing that these powerful emotions are normal and natural doesn’t remove them, but it can provide some comfort and help you to trust that they are part of a healing process.

The emotional upheaval that comes with divorce parallels the stages of grief, the feelings that humans face in dealing with loss: shock, denial, anger, and acceptance.

Emotional Stages of Divorce

Marriages do not break down overnight; the breakup is not the result of one incident and it usually isn’t the fault of only one spouse. The emotional breaking up process often extends over several years and varies based on whether you are the initiator of the divorce or the receiver of the decision to break up. The initiator may feel fear, impatience, resentment, doubt and guilt. The partner who has not initiated the divorce may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, insecurity, and anger.

Psychologists have identified a common sequence of feelings and behaviors, the emotional stages that occur when a relationship is ending:

Becoming Disillusioned – One party begins to feel discontented and distanced from the other.
Expressing Dissatisfaction – The discontent is expressed and the emotional roller coaster ride of guilt, doubt, grief, and sorrow begins.
Deciding to Divorce – Emotional distance is created with anger, resentment, and anxiety for the future.
Beginning the Legal Process of Divorce – Physical and emotional separation begin. The parties go public with the decision. The children find out. Panic, fear, shame, guilt, and blame are added to the emotional mix.
Growing Acceptance – The parties begin to adjust and accept that the marriage wasn’t happy. Each regains a sense of control and begins to plan for the future. Moods are lifted with the prospect of a second chance at life.
Beginning Anew (usually within four years of completing the legal process) – The former partners are able to move beyond blame and anger to forgiveness, with new roles, new insight, and new respect for one another and themselves.

The healing process after divorce will include focusing on the future, taking responsibility for one’s own actions, and acting with integrity. Focusing on the future enables both parties to offer one another the forgiveness and compassion that makes healing possible.

Life Goes On

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross said of mourning that “it usually ends when people realize that they can live again, that they can concentrate their energies on their lives as a whole.” As the healing process continues, you will learn to cope with the challenges, integrate the loss, and begin to rebuild a new life, forgiving what might have been and accepting what is. The resilient human spirit will help you believe again that life is worth living and, despite losses, life goes on.

“When I ‘let go,’ I grow and live for the future, without regrets about the past.” –Louise Hay

Moving Past Your Fears in Divorce

Growth “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” – Marie Curie

Dealing with fear is one of the biggest challenges in divorce. Fear is designed to keep us safe; it stops us from touching a hot stove or running out into traffic. But when we let it dominate our thoughts, it can keep us stuck and unable to move forward toward a new life. We humans all suffer from fear of change and fear of the unknown. And yet, life is filled with change, and the unknown future may well hold all the goodness we desire, rather than what we fear.

How can we get a grip on fear and begin trusting ourselves to cope well with change?

As the wise saying goes, “Knowledge is power.” Fear is our own creation, a phantom of our negative thinking. We can cut our fears down to size when we face them clearly and learn all we can about what is worrying us. Fear is a feeling and not a fact. When we look at the facts and gather information, we can use our understanding and our clear thinking to generate optimism and hope—a positive and fearless outlook. Here, for example, are some ways to meet the most immediate fears that divorce brings up, those involving how we will continue to pay the bills:

“I’m afraid I won’t get a fair share of our family’s assets in this divorce.”

The solution to this fear is first to determine what these assets are and then what they are worth. The more you know about what you own, the more empowered you will feel. If your family finances are simple, it may not be difficult to divide the assets. If they are more complex with multiple homes, non-liquid investments, employer stock-options, family-owned companies, etc., it will take more investigating to sort things out. Learning all you can about what you have to work with will help you fight fear with knowledge. Your ideas about “fair” and “share” will be important in determining how you experience divorce and move forward into the future.

“I’m afraid of not knowing what I will have after the divorce.”

This fear of the unknown can once again be countered best with information. Once you know what the family assets consist of and what they are worth, you can take a closer look at how they can be useful to you in your new life. Be clear about what your post-divorce finances will look like. Will you have enough liquid assets? You won’t be able to pay bills with home equity or stock options although their value may be great on paper. Making a post-divorce budget will help you see the big picture of your financial future.

“I’m afraid of not knowing what my lifestyle will look like after the divorce.”

Once again, fear of the unknown is at work. Although you can’t know everything about what the future holds, you can have faith that positive results are just as likely as the negative ones you fear. You can have faith in yourself as well and try to be as informed as possible about your finances. Your post-divorce budget, created with all the information you have gathered about your financial picture, can help with the facts about your money. How you feel about your new life, will you be fearful or hopeful, is in your hands. Everyone has concerns about cash flow and financial well-being. Just as in driving a car, we make adjustments along each mile. Although the scenery may be changing, we can learn to stop scaring ourselves and begin trusting ourselves to be capable navigators.