Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof

In many states, your date of separation has legal implications. If you and your spouse are still living in the same house for economic or family reasons, proving that you are really separated can be tricky. Here is a checklist of what you should do if you and he are still living together but separate.

  • Establish and maintain intent to separate permanently or indefinitely.
  • Use separate bedrooms.
  • Do not engage in romantic or sexual intimacy.
  • Stop wearing wedding rings.
  • Don’t shop for your spouse’s food, prepare his meals, or shop for his clothing and other necessities.
  • Don’t let your spouse shop for you, and don’t use his food or other purchases.
  • Do not eat meals together, except for special occasions such as holidays or children’s birthdays.
  • Make each spouse responsible for caring for their own space within the home, such as bedroom.
  • Make each spouse responsible for doing their own laundry.
  • Use a separate and secure computer.
  • Use a separate and secure telephone/cell phone for personal and business calls.
  • Establish separate checking accounts.
  • Cease socializing together, e.g., do not attend parties, movies, theater, etc. together.
  • Do not attend church together.
  • Where there are minor children, interact as parents only where strictly necessary from the children’s perspective and their well-being, e.g., meeting with school officials. If you both attend your child’s game, don’t sit together.
  • Don’t give gifts to your spouse for birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.
  • Let close associates and relatives know that you are not living as man and wife, but are separated within the residence.
  • Have a third party come to the home from time to time to personally observe the two spouses’ separate and distinct living quarters (bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.).
  • Utilize separate entrances to residence if feasible.
  • Be prepared to explain why you are living separately under the same roof, e.g., financial considerations; unavailability of separate residence; easing children’s transition to parental separation, etc.

 

273 thoughts on “Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof”

  1. this is ridiculous! There are many former spouses that live apart and still remember with gifts their former spouses birthday or at Christmas etc. Friends get friends tokens of appreciation or like to let them know that they are being thought of, especially if one has no family. Just who or what is it that spouses who are no longer togerther but live under the same roof be so concerned about
    “what it looks like”. And no doubt divorce leaves more enemies than friends but there are those few that still value their former spouses friendship, not in an intimate way. And just what kind of a picture is projected through their child’s eyes when he/she sees them sitting farthest apart as possible? Divorce is traumatizing enough for a child do you really think him seeing his parent act foolishly, childish, or present the picture that they are enemies? what about the embarassment when a friend ask this child where his parent are? If a couple are no longer together, have separate rooms and living space AND there is no conflict of interest as to the date of separation, I would think that is all that matters. They have no need to “prove” anything to anybody. The only time this situation would present a problem is if they cannot agree and conflicting stories arise, should they go to court but of course if they are smart they’d have signed and agreement if not already separation papers. They are their own witness.

    1. Hear, hear. Me and my wife live separate lives under the same roof. We do not stick rigidly to separate living. I wash and iron her clothes when doing mine and visa versa, we occasionally make each other a drink and share some of our food. We acknowledge each other as is common courtesy and help each other on occasion with matters associated with our respective employment. Though not ideal, this all makes for a reasonable atmosphere in which we can be quite comfortable. We have been married too long to bother with the hassle of divorce. Neither of us plan to re-marry. I guess the hardest part will be when accommodation becomes available leaving only one of us behind. This said, separation does leave the door open for possible reconciliation.

      1. David,
        How do you and your wife split expenses such as grocery shopping? Do you have children?
        My husband and I are living separately under the same roof, however, he still expects me to do the shopping for the household which, I think is ridiculous given the fact that I only make $14/hr and he makes $170,000/yr.
        Also, is this a permanent situation?

        1. Gloria,
          I feel for you. I am considering the same option. It feels though as the men always win out. My husband makes in excess of $180000, and I stayed home with the kids and don’t have anything near that salary. He uses money to wield power. It leaves me bitter.

          1. I’m living this way now. It’s a mother daughter house. Our children are 11 and 6. I have been a stay at home mom for 12 years. The problem is when he goes out or I go out its starts getting cold in the house. We both get jealous. We still care…. It’s tough. He wants me out now but I never saved up money or thought this would happen and he won’t give me a divorce.

          2. If you both still care, get jealous and are better off helping each other. Maybe you guys can work it out but still live indivisual lives. Tell him to leave you some money for his expenses.

          3. Get divorced then money matters will be very different with kids your entitled to more than fifty percent

          4. Eileen; I hear you! My husband Terry loves more than anything to use the “Money Card” to control me as best as he can. He just deducts what ever he thinks I owe. For example: We pay my parent’s phone bill. When he lets it get behind so he can pay all of the bills in his name or our Napa parts business (so he can keep his Outstanding Credit score) while mine is total crap!! Which he did on purpose! He just takes it out of my money. For almost a year he decided that the money he gives me was half his and he just cut it in half and expected me to pay any credit cards or bills that were in my name. I receive a total of $635.00 every two weeks and that is to cover 3 credit cards in his name bc my credit is so bad now and ALL grocery items which include but not limited to his $25.00 a piece shampoo and special conditioner for his thinning hair. He’s rude and uncaring and just plain despicable! He’s nothing to look at and isn’t very nice. He is a Great business man and can be sweet and endearing to everyone but me. I only stay and live separately bc I have 3 grand daughters one that lives in a house we built so she could live close to us. She is only 5 years old and I have watched her since she was born so mom could finish college and now works part time. Terry has me trapped! If I work I have to give up watching her and if I don’t work Terry owns me for all intensive purposes! So if anyone out there can think of solution for me Please let me know!!!

          5. You&stressed out and Gloria get together &support each orther.I believe stressed out needs some sisterly help and I feel helpless & believe some people need more help than orthers and stressed out needs encouraged that she can walk away from the person her ex husband is. It’s horrible to feel trapped in one’s own prison.I am off this site because it’s too heavy but if stressed out needs to talk put a reply on your complaint so 1 can get 2 you. You can not just leave a message like yours wanting help and dnt give people a way to help you.your post makes me agitated b’cus I feel your particular situation and I can’t help you but you should know even if you have to go to a shelter at least that s.o.b has no control over you. It always gets worse be it gets better but that’s our perception. Don’t be held hostage by this DICK anymore. Check out barking up the wrong tree on line or in new york times but eric the blogger is a ucla student but the articles are worth waiting.?shalome aleem

          6. Oh I hear that! I’m a homemaker and with him in charge of money I am left to go to court . No other options . And believe me kids are not blind they know what’s going on even tho we don’t talk

          7. Ann, my husband and I have separate bedrooms. He shop for him and O fomy shopping. We go to a different church, he do not attend any of my family function. I ask why don’t you divorce me and move on. He gives crazy answers. But I stay prayerful, but I am getting tired of the yoyo relationship. I want this chapter closed in my life. He is 66 and I 63, we been detached for many years! It is about peace of mind!

          8. Is he makes that kind of money and you have the kids and he is controlling you should seek a legal seperation, hire a lawyer and seek for yourself and children to remain in the home even if only temporary, seek child support and alimony, a lawyer can work on a loan advised basis till you have custody or joint – legal aid legal representation advice here.

          9. If you get divorce and live in your own with kids, you will be entitled for child support and spousal support. And since he’s making that much and you don’t, you’re going to receive enough financial support from him to live comfortably.

          10. The thing is most women can find someone to take care of them, and you get divorce settlements as well. I think if a man wants to live separate live then he should do just that and have no expectations at all

          11. Why is the man always the bad person. I’ve been married for two years and these same years I pay for EVERYTHING not that I care I have a fix income but all I ask of my wife is to help by cleaning up after herself and to at least try to have dinner at a decent time. Instead she starts to cook around 7 or 8 pm. After a long day at work I have to come home and clean up after her. All she do is chain smoke n watch TV all day. I buy her anything she ask for even if she just throw it in the spare room to collect dust. She ask and ask n I give n I give. Now how am I a bad person when I say I can’t do this anymore. I rather be single n happy than married ? I’m very loyal no drugs or alcohol I’m a church going man I don’t ask much. But my apologies needed to get this off my chest.

          12. me and my ex have a 7 year old daughter. We have lived apart for about a year. We have both entered new relationships and I am ending mine due to jealousy over my ex who is my friend. It affects the harmony I my daughter’s life and myself and ex agreed to co-parent and give the best possible life for our kid in this situation. we have no desire to reconcile even though we never fought etc. There was just no spark anymore and we felt it wasn’t the best example of love to give my daughter. I can tell you that being separated has affected our child and she is very insecure and always worries about the other parent when at one house or the other. She is in a relationship with a great guy who I get along with and does my daughter. I have a 5 bedroom house and we have decided that they will move in to my house and take the upstairs ( 2 bedrooms). This will give our daughter access to both parents daily, makes things easier as far as back and forth baby sitters etc. and also helps us both financially. I had to really weigh the options to see if it portrays the wrong picture to my daughter or not, but reading many sites the positives far outweigh the negatives. she understands that her mom and dad are just friends and love her regardless and that will never change. I will have to update on the new situation in a couple months.

          13. I think this type of arrangement might work for my current situation, I am however a stay at home mother too… that my husband loves to use against me when the dig fits his mood! its so unfair and very hurtful when he does. So I obviously have no income myself at the moment but we have never shared accounts or anything like that. I still love my husband but I just cant handle all the mean and negative things he says to me anymore. I guess my question is how do approach this conversation or arrangement to him? I’m just so hurt and lost in my marriage…

          14. I am 65, married 23 years, haven’t worked for 10 years, now I have to go back to school so I can make decent money to support my self.

        2. In my opinion husband can expect you to do all the grocery shopping but I don’t. Currently my estranged husband and I live in the same house. I grocery shop for myself and cook for myself. He knows that when we permanently split that he would be required to pay alimony. We stay in separate bedrooms, maintaining our separate social life, cordial to one another and don’t speak of reconciliation. Financially we have a lot of assets so it will take time to sell and divide. It’s not easy but we make it work. In regards to bills he pays for all of it as he has always done in our marriage.

          1. We married in 85. She had 4 kids in a prior marraige. We had one together. Around 2001 humpty dumpy started crumbling. I moved into the basement in 2003. Divorced 2005. I continued to give her all my money like being married. She was physically abusive. Called the cops in 2010. Moved out for good. Still paying spousal support. Done in 2017. Current wife is an absolute blessing. My situation was equivolent to being in a prison. My advice; see a therapist for your sanity . Get a real good divorce attorney. Take care of yourself.

          2. I am also living under the same conditions but I feel I am tired to live in a false marriage I just need to end this chapter by divorcing my husband but I’m afraid I am going to loose everything I worked for pls advise me .

        3. Gloria,sounds like you got the raw deal. Still doing his laundry &cleaning. Get your spousal support &go back to school and go for what you love not whats in.I’m not married nor have I ever been,so I come in peace and I am not judging you by any means.But he sounds selfish and I bet its he who can’t let go of you.whatever your situation don’t allow negative energy to alter your path.I went for my bachelor’s degree in paralegal and investigation skills plus am learning Hebrew and Yiddish late in life. You can+look at the 40+ year old Hasidic woman making judge who didn’t pass the bar till 40. Imagine her fear. For what it’s worth I wish you well

        4. are you splitting all the bills in half? Since he makes so much more did you prorate everything? If not you need a mediator to make a legal separation about finances so you can afford to live on your own. With a financial agreement you should be able to live separate

        5. i agree . i am commanded to pay rent & grocery’s for myself and 2 boys , PROVIDE FOR all of my car ,prescriptions for myself and 2 boys , do all washing , do all the lawns dishes , vacuum clean everywhere inside and outside wash my car, not allowed to use the oven ,as he says it uses too much power . but he and children can use the fans 24 seven. i wash everyone’s clothes and hang ,bring them in. i work par-time go to all medical and children’s school appointments . lunches , everything for children ..he earns 180 thousand ,he has his own bank account i scrape weekly to survive on 12 hours of 20.00 an hour .. i pay rent out of this . don’t you think this is separate under the same roof .do you think this is fair.he saves i don’t lucky to get for myself a haircut ,mean while he wears elite suits ,at least 13 full suits top brands leaves me with recycled clothes. i think this is share abuse with emotional trumour.love to hear your thoughts.i have been in 2 refudges , while he saves for 14 yearsworth in his name

        6. I responded to the same message that you responded to today vyd because that’s my situation my husband is the perfect father the perfect provider but I don’t have any income because I’ve been taking care of the kids and since we had a child to pass away since then he’s been on Craigslist on Facebook and I can’t deal with it anymore so what input do you have for me

      2. Stephen Murphy

        Hi there,
        What an absolute breath of fresh air.
        It’s just that if one spouse has never learned to forgive, an often “imagined crime”, the walls will be built under the one roof being shared.

          1. I agree i thought things were great yill i used his tablet…cheating sites porn…..if u feel hes doing it,than he is

      3. I’m really happy to have found this forum, many thanks for your insight/experience, I don’t feel so awkward now. Work colleagues, friends etc do not understand the hardship in today’s economy nor do they realise just how difficult it is to simply move out.

        We still have the home to sell, plan so far was one of us would keep the ho.e whilst the other takes a cash sum to enable purchasing of a new home.

        Problem is that with no real savings and a small amount of debt, it would leave us in a bad position for starting over.

        At least taking the time to pay off debt and build on savings will allow for a cleaner start…

        Only other option is to obtain a consolidation loan, split the payment and move out but I don’t fancy having the bad financial reminder hanging over me for 10yrs and that’s no exaggeration as, for me to be able to afford a new place, keep a car on the road etc, on a single wage, it’s hard going, certainly no cake walk anymore…

        Thanks again for sharing

        Gav, Glasgow, Scotland

        1. Sorry should have added that in order to have any standard of living I would need to stagger the loan over a 10yr period!! That’s where I was going with my previous statement

          1. Gavin – I read your comment about leaving together under the same house but legally separated because of the debt and assets. I feel like I am in the same situation – I was wondering how are you doing so far living under one roof and not being husband and wife? how are you doing with kids if you have any?

      4. That’s the best story and loving it to the fullest and really I give you “BOTH” a big “CONGRATS”…

        And many blessings to you “BOTH”. To make my story short. I went through a horrible divorced and after so many years of divorced. Started seeing the man I’m with now for almost 5/years but,
        I being verbally and mentally abuse but, because I lost my home and everything, I mean everything and been really depress for years and can’t seem to get up on my feet. Well, want to ask a attorney if I could receive a pention from him since his been the one supporting us. Not to take no more abuse and till I get back on my feet…
        Sorry! I left you this message just don’t have family or don’t trust anyone at all. I’m a great mother, lady. I’m 54-years old and dying to work and be independent again like I always been but, fear of being homeless.

        You both are doing the perfect thing and I aproud you…

        Have a great, smiley, healthy, blessing day…

        Martha Serrano

        1. As far as I know. If you are married 10 or more, you are entitled to his/her SSA, As long if it is more than you would be getting. Not sure when or if you have to wait a certain time. If you have children they will be entitled immediately. Hope this helps. .

          1. I live in Florida. I have been married to my husband 18 years we don’t see or talk to each other and we live separate lives I have a new man in my life we never have gotten a divorce can I collect his SSI

          2. Since you are still married to your husband, you are eligible to collect Social Security spousal retirement benefits based on his earnings record once you are both of retirement age and he begins collecting, as long as those benefits exceed the benefits for which you are eligible based on your own earnings history.

      5. I’ve been reading all the comments, but I haven’t found a situation similar to mine. We just “celebrated” our 20th. He wanted to retire early, so I worked it where he could. He’s been retired for 9 years, helping at home as a stay-at-home dad (unfortunately I’m a fixer). There’s no intimate life at all, hasn’t been for quite some time. I work a job that can be 40-80 hours a week. We talk divorce often, but our daughter is now 16, and she’s involved in a special theater program in our community and does on-line schooling at home to accommodate her schedule. If we were to divorce, I’d want to leave the state, which I can’t do with her right now without destroying her world, and I can’t leave her with him, to state why would take a book. Nothing nefarious, he just gets lost in himself.

        I just don’t know what to do. Have read some really good things about divorcing and cohabitation, but some really bad things too. Guess I’m just reaching out for some ideas. I really miss who I used to be.

        1. If you can, stick it out for another 3-4 years, as long as there’s no abuse etc it’s possible, your kid will be 18-20 and much more independent. You never know, maybe both of you will reconnect in the mean-time. God bless.

        2. I got choked up when you said you miss who you used to be. I can totally relate to that. I dont even know who i am anymore. We have been married 16 years. No kids. He has had an ongoing drug/gambling problem and intimacy left our marriage long ago.
          He is sober 2 weeks and with that wants to rebuild our marriage forgetting all of the hurt and solitude he has been giving to me over the years.
          Threatens me with i have nothing to live for if u are not here. Im at the point that i say do what you have to do. If u want to throw your life away by all means do it. I lost compassion for him long ago.
          We live under the same roof and his tears mean nothing. Ugh. My life is out of control

          1. Tired of disrespect

            I too am considering this option and understand your pain aside have been disabled, however unable to collect disability. He is now picking up the slack but our lives are completely separate with the exception of me cooking considering we have children.

            They never take responsibility for their role, mine is an alcoholic and always throws the money card around since he has the income coming in bc I can’t work. What to do? Ugh

          2. Omg your situation is almost identical to mine only a little more complicated. I want to help him, he depends on me. He doesn’t want to move because of financial and kid stuff. I do feel bad and want to help him but there is someone I want to start a new life with and be happy. I don’t know what to do!

        3. Diana Burkley (Anderson)

          I agree and your comments touch my heart. I am an infant by your accomplishments. This is my first and only marriage…I am 59 and married 7 years Feb 2018. I have these nagging feelings of no longer knowing who I am and being so afraid that I am no longer who I was. I wish we could group up and have ongoing dialog to support one another. We aren’t alone, obviously. I care.

      6. The article is intentioned toward ‘proving’ your legally separated rather than a checklist for those who are trying to keep up good terms. If for example, you are disabled and separated, but still living together for the kids, you need to prove you’re separated to the social security office, and this checklist helps you to do so.

      7. Hi David I was just wondering how things are still going I am a mother of four children to that are adults to that are minors and things are pretty bad in between me and my husband but I don’t want my children to be products of divorce so I just need some suggestions if you could please write me back I’d really appreciate it

        1. Being a product of divorce is sometimes better than witnessing a bad marriage. I regret not having to get divorced sooner, my son now says he will never be married because we were a terrible example. Children can read your energy even though you try hardest to appear to have a normal marriage.

      8. Same here. My ex husband and I still parent together, do laundry as necessary, eat the same prepared meals AND my boyfriend lives here. We all get along and are like one big happy family. We shop for each other as necessary (example: boyfriend and I go to the store. Ex husband needs item. We grab item.) and have separate lives.
        This list is idiotic. It is nobodys business how we do things in my house. We are divorced but if we choose to live the way we are, thats OUR business. NOBODY has a right to tell us we have to do it otherwise.

        1. Wow, this sounds amazing. I’m in the very beginning of the separation under the same roof. We have 3 kids and don’t wanna disrupt their lives. We also don’t make enough to really separate. This separation is being done on my part, I just can’t be with him after all he’s done. But we don’t have an extra room in the house . How do you get past the initial tendencies together?? He’s struggling.

        2. Good head on Rebecca! I’ve read all of these responses and you are the 1st one tht suggests it ain’t nobody’s business wht u do. Or how yall live. I love it. I’ve been married for 29 years to a man than has many good qualities but my marriage contract with him does Not measure up. We have 1 son who just turned 25. I think I can speak for me and my spouse. We are miserable Asa married couple. I recently found this legal stance or grounds for divorce for separate and apart I can’t wait to pursue the legal support I need to get my divorce granted. I’m do thrilled I can hardly sleep.

    2. I am now into 6 months of doing this. We are waiting for the sale of assets etc before we can move on. I would say we follow about half of these guidelines. As the ‘left’ partner I find it hard going and spend one night away a week. I think it is easing my wife’s guilt and our kids will transition slowly into the new reality. Me? It’s bearable for the most part but I don’t see my recovery starting until she’s gone. And ultimately I would like to meet someone else and build a new life.

      1. LOL because I have been married for 20 years and miserable for the last 15 of them. We have ALWAYS had separate bedrooms due to his impotence he chose to not treat. It has always been him married to his job and not even fitting in a movie or dinner with me. Now I am unemployed (no income) and he wants to throw me out. Told me last night he no longer will ‘tote’ me. I know I have rights in Alabama but unsure what they are. I’m not moving out! Can he evict me?

        1. I am in a very similar situation. My husband hasn’t touched men 16 years..:( I spend 24 hours a day full of fear and hurt. I have ni the past asked him many times if we could make love and replies ,no not until I can learn to ask him correctly. He sleeps upstairs and has for almost 10 years or so. I want to leave him however it is the hardest thing to do. I have been married to him for over 35 years.. I am dying of a broken heart andI am afraid he will go crazy if I sue him for a divorce. He has worked hard to keep our commercial property.. I feel I have no rights .. Is he gay? I am dying of a broken heart.Pray for me that I can on with my life without him… I’m on the rink of a nervous breakdown..I ami n therapy. saddest life I would have never imagined…

          1. I’m New at all this legal stuff. I’m 53 and my husband is 54 we met when we were 15 & 16 we’ve been together ever since. We live in Alabama and got married when our daughter was 4 . I wanted to mary him at first sight but it took his mom telling him our daughter needed his last name especially since she would be starting kindergarten that next year… long story short we married and he has cheated on me our entire marriage with one woman after another.. I was a stay at home mom because he didn’t want me to work and he wanted me to raise our three kids .. so I did and I don’t regretted one day of it. I have always been a care giver and do anything for anyone to help them out.. he has always been the provider and a good one , I’ve often told him if we end up divorced the one thing I can never say is that you weren’t a good provider .. he is verbally abusive and has been physical in the past , we lost our son of 28 years Jan 2 2015 and things got even more worse. He has absolutely no respect for me and talks down to me all the time and calls me names and tells me he wants a legal separation just to upset me because he knows how I feel about our marriage ( I believe until death do us part in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live) so he says it to hurt me. Both our daughters are married and together have given us five beautiful grandkids. Our son has mental disabilities, and lived with the two of us, he has never been to one single doctor appointment , school function or even a sport event or play etc… I thought because I didn’t work and he did it was my place to do it all . We were not able to stay in our house of 28 years because our son died in his room , so for two years we lived in our daughters camper for a while and then he continued to live in it while I moved in with our youngest daughter to help her with her first baby , to which he would come stay with me there a lot . We finally got a house again after we paid off the mortgage from the other house and we started out last February sleeping in the same bed etc.. until our son birthday and I got a phone call that my husband was not at work he was with another woman eating dinner in a local restaurant, I was at home waiting on him to get home to go to our oldest daughter house to:celebrate our sons birthday , I was hurt and torn up , I went to the restaurant and saw for myself and took pictures of the whole thing, I told the lady that I didn’t blame her that he was a lier and a cheat and has cheated on me our entire marriage, and all she knows is what he’s told her. Needless to say for the past year now I’ve been sleeping in a separate bedroom and he does whatever he wants , comes and goes as he pleases and tells me his life is none of my business , he tells me he hates me becouse I cost him his “ friendship” ( oh and she was married too) he tells me I need to find me a man that will treat me better and love me . Like I said I’m 53 years old and I gave that man the best years of my life plus my virginity and becouse of all the crap he’s put me through I have trust issue and low self-esteem. He has told me I deserve his ssi so he wants a legal separation . He is very jealous and controlling . I don’t know how all this will work out and I don’t think another man would want someone like me .. does anyone have any suggestions or advice for me . He’s all I’ve ever known I’ve been by his side through everything and even helped him start his own business that he had for over 20 years. I know I couldn’t pay the bills here by myself and I know he wouldn’t be able to live here with me and see me date anyone. The shoe has never been on the other foot! I’m a fateful woman , I’m just tired of trying to love someone that obviously doesn’t want me in his life but don’t know how to live without me in his . We live in separate rooms , I do his laundry and cook for him when I cook for myself . Other than him telling me that the sex part of our marriage ended a year ago I still live like we are married .. I’m lonely and hurt and I’ve had to grieve the lost of our son in silence because he can’t stand to hear me cry . I do work part time taking care of elderly and have worked since our last daughter graduated… it’s no where near what he makes .

    3. So what do you think about a man and woman married but been apart for 11 years she is living with someone else but now the husband is sick should she let him live with her and her boyfriend? So he can have aduquit care

    4. my wife and i have been living in separate rooms for 3 years and doing all that was required by law as it stands i never of divorcing her until she brought her friend home to her room and had sex with him thats when i new it was over we filed for a divorce and it was grated because we had been apart for 3 years
      i was divorced in 4 weeks with no court appearance

      1. hello to all and thx for the good advice …. my husband n i have gone thru so much financially n mentally there is a part of me that wants it to work … we moved to our beach house down sized considerably but nothing seems to work he expects me to wait around until he figures out what he wants …. he has told me on numerous occasions to find sum1 …. now he won’t leave bc he is paying the bills …. can we live separate … separate rooms etc like roommates … do i have rights to date without looking like i’m cheating … i think he’s doing this to set me up.

    5. You are exactly right !!!!!when I read that I thought. what !!what is this world coming to no it’s not the world it’s the people that’s in it and who in the world wrote this or come up with it

    6. My husband and I are sleeping in separate rooms . All my clothes are still in the main bedroom. We used to fight everyday. He became verbally abusive and Stop paying the little bills that he paid. When we moved into this house. We decided that i would pay the rent and he would pay all the rest of the bills. Every month I had to beg for the utility bill money! For seven years this was the story. After retiring it got worse… he agreed that he would get extra work.. all the bills were due.. my personal bills were so behind it was ridiculous! He bails me out… then that’s when it really got bad.. he never lets me forget it. i decided to get out. I packed everything and put it in storage..He paniced he knew if I left he would have to leave.. i refused to pay one more dime! He decided to start paying the rent. Out of 7 years he has now paid the rent three times .. and telling me to get out! Asshole ! We stop being imitate because in one of his rage episodes he said he would never touch me again. I made that a reality I started sleeping in another room that very night he regrets those words.. But there is nothing like Peace of mind . I sleep on a sofa bed.. but it is worth it not to hear his mouth..the tables have turned.i pay the utility bills and my personal bills. I don’t buy food for him just for myself. I am planning to move as soon as I save up enough money. I do not like to said never again to any situation but ..At this point in my life I am 99.99% that I am done

    7. I would love with you guys that’s okay for you I’ll give you my coordinate name CMD Bailey I’m going to email her and ask her about it so if you have another room I’d be cool with it so okay then this is from from Lisa Williams

    1. Well me ànd my girlfriend has been together 16 yrs this month.ask to get married she said yes on multiple occasions but no cigar how long should I wait I said I’m not gonna wait another year we stay in the same room sometimes she always goes out with her girl but I’m at the point it don’t bother me anymore like I really don’t care when I used to went everywhere together no it’s only when she needs me to take her somewhere and I’m tired I want a wife

  2. My wife of 24 years and I, added an addition so that I have a separate entrance, a den, bedroom, bath and small kitchenette attached to the side of the house. Our home is paid for. This arrangement gives both of us freedom from a mortgage. I give her one check, which pays all the bills and food. She cooks the meals, does all the laundry and pays the bills on time. We are both in our 70s and retired. This seems to be a better alternative than living totally alone. Once in awhile we go out to eat together, watch a movie and talk on the phone. It’s not ideal, but I think when you get older, it works better than fighting and bickering with someone you should never have married in the first place.

    1. Whatever Joe said, and I am only 42! Yep, I should never have married the creature in the first place, but now that I did and tried to make it work for so long, I better as well make myself comfortable. Now, truth is different arrangements work for different people. Whatever works for you at the moment. You can always change later.

  3. My wife file for divorce,never went to court i,payed her child support but i had the children because she two boys 8 and 10 years old at the time.3 years later i got permanently disabled,she was also ill for a year and half,she ask me to move in together and i agree,stayed till boys were of age and pay the bills.\,moved out,and the boys got married,now 9 years later she files for child support back pay,does that stands on and is it legal?I’m retired and survive on SSI ….

      1. You are absolutely right. I am currently in that situation. My wife is not in love with me anymore. However, we have two children that we want to raise together. So, we agreed that we would stay living together. The children are 6 yrs and 3 yrs which means, according to our plan, we would be living like this for at least the next 15 years. The problem is I still love her and I want to be intimate with….Or maybe I want her to be intimate with me, as some sort of acceptance or validation. My wife means a lot more than just sex to me. I am really hurting at the moment. Please give me some advice. Thanks.

        1. Prayer, prayer, and more prayer Keith. It’s the only thing that’s gotten me through my husband leaving me and then moving back in “for financial reasons.” He has his separate residence in the basement and wants nothing to do with me. I’m the “walking wounded” most of the time and prayer is the only thing that gets me through. I’ll pray for you. Blessings!

        2. One Woman's Trash Is Another Woman's Treasure

          My heart breaks for you, Keith. I just married a wonderful man named “Keith” whose wife kicked him out nine years ago. (Kids grown.) Took him that long to get over her emotionally and finally file for a divorce. (We met and started seeing each other only recently, with no serious dating until his divorce was final.) Now he wishes he’d started the divorce and recovery process years ago, since it took him so long, and she was very uncooperative, despite never wanting him back. My advice: file soon with a good attorney (no mediation–that just provides opportunity for monkey business, manipulation, and loooong delays with more total expense in the long run), get some good therapy, find new friends, and get on with your life. Stay in close contact with your kids, of course. They need their dad, but do they really need to see a marriage that isn’t working every day? What kind of role model is that? You sound like a great guy who will make a wonderful husband to someone who will appreciate you. Find her! If nothing else, the serious filing for divorce might make your wife reconsider. Being a doormat never will. Good luck and God bless.

          1. Kieth,

            A few weeks ago, my wife cheated in me. I still love her but she wants to be with him. She doesn’t want to move out nor do I. We are talkng about living together but separate. The kids don’t know about any of this. They are 5, 7 and 10 years old. I don’t know what to do. A part of me is hoping that we reconcile. Like I said, I still love her.

          2. Damn. You are so right. Being a doormat has never gotten me anywhere except in a lot of heartache.

            Vicki

        3. Im right there with you. I was stuck going through legal battles with my ex-wife, and I let that interfere with my current marriage. Now, when I finally got all legal burdens out of the way, my wife says she stopped loving me a few years back… I’m desolate, depressed, and in a world of pain. I did neglect her, I did not communicate with her, and took out my anger on her (no physical abuse), but I was always faithful and dedicated to her and my our kids (3 young adults and a teenager). She’s the love of my life, and I am lost without her…
          She moved to a different room about 2 months ago. We are intimate at least twice a month (sometimes less, sometimes more). I don’t know what to do!

    1. most states but a few you can go to your child support enforcement office and request a hearing in which you tell them your only income is SSI and they will stop taking money out of your ssi, but if you have ssdi the kids can get a supplement and whatever the difference is between the supplement and your court ordered amount you will have to pay-

    2. Depending on where you live, you can get relief from paying child support while you lived in the same household as your children. The reason being that child support is to help the custodial parent care for the children, but if you live with the children it is assumed you are supporting the children financially and emotionally. You need to show proof you were living with your children. I recommend finding a family law attorney in your area.

  4. I am waiting for my disability to come through. During this time, my husband and I live separately. I don’t cook, I do clean and do laundry. We do sleep in separate bedrooms. He buys the food and helps pay for my medicine. He offers to buy dinner, order out. I do accept most of the time. There are times we get along great but then there are times so horrific I’m blown away. I’m an easy going person, usually let things roll off. He is very critical and mentally abusive. I have no where else to live right now. I go to counseling g to release my emotions. When the time comes that I can afford a divorce I want a certain amount of money from the house. He can keep it, just want my name of it. He will not

    1. Your situation is exactly like mine. I’m stuck and can’t wotk right now due yo health issues. I’m waiting on my disability to go through. I will need a little something to start over with. We will have to sell the home. Mine is an alcoholic, so he’s a financial abuser. Also mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive. I feel so stuck right now, I also go to counseling. I have no where else to go right now, I’m in the same boat

  5. We’ve also been married for 20yrs, together for 28. There is a 14 difference in our age. He is older. I never considered age an issue. I have a 33 yr old daughter that he helped raise. Until she moved out at age 27 she had issues with his attitude. Now she has children and he adores them. I wouldn’t stop their relationship that would be between my daughter and him. I do want a divorce, it’s just extremely difficult living here when he becomes verbally abusive.

  6. My husband and I are as well seperated and have been for 3 months now..we live under the same roof here in NC..we do plan on divorcing..I have moved on myself ..we share the household cooking he pays the bills as they are all his in his name ..He is disabled as well as I and I have no income and no where else to live..so this makes it a bit easier as we have stayed friends..Our home is paid for and when we divorce I do not want the home .. He pays for food and all the expenses with his disability check..its not much but its all he has..this as he says keeps him from being lonely for a while till I do find somewhere to go..and is a convience for the two of us..
    We have seperate rooms as we live in a mobile home we have to share the other rooms..But for now it works for us..

  7. I have to say that my husband and are I separated but living together. It’s for no reason other than maybe hope of reconciliation and to keep the family together. It’s probably wrong but he has nowhere to go as the house is in my name plus has made if known that he may not make it. I don’t want that on my plate do I suppose I’m going to just play it out. He has no family here and I am weak.

    1. I think you are not weak but kind. I am going through something at the moment. Pretty sure I don’t love my husband anymore but with three young children I don’t want to tear the family apart. I find it hard to live with him but have been married 16 years. I think we could muddle along ok if we took the pressure of being a couple away. We already sleep in separate bedrooms but everything else is shared like chores, shopping bills etc as I earn slightly more than him. I wondered if anyone knew if this could work. Just live as friends

      1. Mtoorday,

        I think it can work pretty easily for many women who want to keep their families together, but I am not sure that many men are happy with removing the couple pressure since sex often seems to be a higher priority for them. Many women are not interested in being intimate with someone if there is conflict, they aren’t in love with or physically attracted to anymore. Talk with your husband, if you both agree to it than certainly it can work.

    2. I have the same problem. I’m separated but he stays in the garage and says he will never leave. He quit working and says he will not work and he has nowhere to go and lost all his friends and family is in a different state. He also states suicide. I am weak too but I care too. I’m not sure what to do. I will care for him but my life is on hold.

    3. god dont i know how you feel. we are considering separating but cant really afford it financially and neither of us wants to leave the house or the kids. i have been reading a lot about separating but living under the same roof and am really wondering if this is an option. Our 14 year old daughter might move out if we stay together – my life is such a disaster. i still care but have been a very weak person who is trying hard to stand her ground but as always, i try to please everyone else at the expense of myself

      1. Carri, I’m not sure I’m understanding this right. What do you mean your 14 year old daughter has to move out if he stays? If this is likely to happen, your daughter is your first priority even if you’re under financial pressure. Depending on the reasons why she may move out if you two stayed together, you need to stand your ground as a parent and be strong. Your primary responsibility is towards your child. You need to be with her more than we him, even if he is the bread winner.

  8. My husband and I are considering a seperation. Our issue is he has no where to move to. The apartment we rent is from my mother. He has a daughter from a prior relationship and we have a daughter together, whom both live with us. We want it to be really easy for our daughters. We would like to continue to live in the same home for the children. Since we will not be together anymore how do we go about taxes, medical care for my daughter? We’ve been married for almost 3 years, and are very fit to be friends. We just argue to much as married.

  9. My husband threw me out of the house because sometimes I do not agree with his opinion. What do I do in this situation? Now I am homeless and I have no money and I am no young.

          1. My husband and I have been together for 20yrs and married for 11yrs. He is very abusive verbally and physically, he controls everything. I’m unemployed and he works, he just told me that he no longer wants to be with me and I have to find a way to pay all the bills as of right now. We don’t speak to each other but we sleeps in the same bed. I asked him to leave and he said no and I’m not leaving because I will be homeless. There is no talking to him period, he said if I have him removed from the apartment, he will destroy everything including me. Someone please tell me what should I do. I love him and I want to make it work but I don’t believe in forgiveness. I didn’t cheat or nothing like that. I just constantly make mistakes because he be on my heels about every little thing.

          2. You should seek legal advice right away. He likely has a duty to support you, and an attorney can tell you how the laws work in your state.

  10. Marykimm sheehan

    My husband is ill has been for about 3 years now. We have lived in the same house seperate rooms since his illness. I work full time. He can’t. He worked most of his life but very little on the books. Therefore he can not get disability and I male to much for him to get SSI so I am footing the bill for everything including his medications out of pocket. He rarely leaves the home unless we go out for dinner. I live my life seperately go to the gym see friends and so on. He has no family but me can we file for a legal seperation for him to get some financial help? Or would we have to live apart ? We live in NY he has end stage liver disease and will need a transplant. Our home is paid for and in myname only. I need some gujdence please.

    1. I don’t know anything regarding what is required to get financial assistance in New York, perhaps under New York’s Medicaid rules. You’ll have to find an attorney there who is familiar with Medicaid or get information directly from the State.

  11. Does anyone have advice on living this way, due to finances, but wanting to date other people? I do not plan to live this way forever, but right now I am the only person working and I am paying his way through college. I cant kick him out, because he cant afford to live anywhere else. However, we sleep in seperate rooms of the house and I have voice many times that I want a divorce. I would like to move on with my life while we are stuck in this arrangement. Does any one have any experience with this. Thanks

    1. Yes Jess I have the same as you but my husband has been with me for 23 years, but like you i can’t kick him out. He has nowhere to go. He also stays in his own room. I pay for the bills food mortgage everything as he has excessive gambling debts that he has to pay off. The house is going in my name and he is purely there until he can afford to live independently which is probably a bit of a way off. I find it hard going, trying to be civil and have to try and live my life around it. You will be fine. Do you have some support? Get out of the house at least once a week with a friend just for your own space. Good luck

      1. I understand if someone is sick as in a disability.. you would want them to stay… but if their is a gambling or acholoic situation.. they need to leave! Don’t take care of them.. you are killing yourself! Children are resilient they know what is happening.. when you stay in a bad relationship you are teaching them to stay in a bad relationship.. thank God my children are adults… save your self get them out or you get out …

    2. In Pennsylvania you are entitled to a portion – up to half His annual salary for the duration of his life, provided you supported him through his educational years. This info from a friend who put her soon to be ex husband through medical school

  12. My husband and I have been married 8 years now, living in separate rooms for 6 years now. We are great friends, but the marriage is horrible, we don’t fight, but I just don’t love hïm, bottom line, if your friends, yes you can live together as roomates, until one person is ready to move on or out. Specialy if there are children involved. I have several friends living the same way, friendship is the key! And even if one or both people start dating, you NEVER bring the date home. Again, specialy if there are children involve. Mine is only 6, and I don’t ever want her to go through something she cant even process. So, yes you can still be married, separated and live in same house. My husband pays all the bills, we go out as family, sometimes alone, until one of us moves on, however long that takes. Frienship, Friendship, Friendship is key to being in a peaceful, and loving home.

    1. Hello Sandra. This was great to read. My wife and I are going through something very similar. We are best friends and can talk for ages. We never fight or argue but feel that the spark in the marriage is over. We can’t afford for 1 person to move out and also have young children 7 and 4. It’s good to hear a story where this has worked out.

  13. My husband has been gone for a little over 2 years now.. He did leave because of another woman.. Our marriage had not been the best since our 2nd son was born.. He is now 10 years old. The other woman ended about a year ago and he has been living with his sister since then. He pays all the house hold bills, house payment, lights, Etc as well as our car insurance. He has some anger issues that he is working on now with some family counseling for my boys. They are 13 and 10, they love their Dad but hate the outburst. He wants to move back in, not to live as man and wife, that shipped has sailed but to be with the boys as he is missing out on so much. I am not sure what to do…he does pay all the bills and does not mind throwing that in my face when he is angry. I see that others do so and seem to be doing well. Not sure what to do…I want him to be happy, myself and my boys.. His anger issues do drive me insane and our home is now a “no yelling” zone.. What do you think??

    1. If he is still angry and yelling outside the home, you know in you head it will only get worse and more abusive if he moves back into your home. You are thinking with your heart. I know, I do the same thing . Us women are nurturing even to grown adults. Think with your head and what is good for the comfort of you and the kids. Don’t put yourself back into a toxic atmosphere . Take care of u because you can’t take care of anyone else if you are not well.

      1. My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive… I have suggested counseling but he refuses. I’ve caught him texting other women and he was so furious with me when I confronted him I have decided I want a separation but I’m a stay at home mother with no money… I don’t know where to turn. I live in Oklahoma now but we will probably be moving back to ohio in the near future. Does anyone know where I should start?

        1. Same with me 29 years of an utter living hell . I pay all the bills while he blows his money. We have lived in separate rooms for 5 years , he keeps telling me to get out , but yet he pays nothing , or does nothing. Except verbal and metal abuse, and some physical abuse. I have cancer and was hoping we would make it together but. The every single day is a battle ?

  14. I’m ready to separate or divorce my husband of 11 years but he works and I do not. I quite working 3 years ago when my youngest child was diagnosed with asd. I have no problem with him living here but I’m not sure because he would have to pay everything. If he moved out I would have no income at all and 3 kids to care for. Could I still get child support or financial assistance if we are under the same roof? Would I have to kick him out first to get aid? We rent my parents house so our problems are affecting all of the family. I feel like I’m stuck with him. Our marriage has been falling apart for the past 10 years!

  15. Hello from the UK.
    Hubby and I live separate lives , his choice , no other person involved but stopped speaking to me after asking him why he hadn’t moved the waste bins from beside the front door since he had been at home all day and me at work.
    It was the same circumstances last year, I loved him dearly but he had told friends that he never loved me which broke my heart.
    He said he never liked the way I spoke to him even though neither of us ever yelled but he was very controlling, he never wanted me to wear trousers , never to wear the colour red , never to go and speak with friends when we went out etc etc. This time I had enough so now we sleep separately.
    He agreed to pay me £10 per week to do his washing/ironing/housekeeping.
    Agreed to buy food for weekends for both of us and I would cook it.
    Our home is paid for and I pay half of the household bills.
    It does feel uncomfortable living this way , I say certain things to him I.e. ‘ you’re dinner is ready , etc but he never answers me but it wouldn’t pay either of us to move out because he needs the garage for the little business he has going and if the proceeds of the house was split it wouldn’t be that great to buy something decent in a nice area .so, this is how we live !

    1. Hi Everyone,this might be divine intervention that I have stumbled on this website.The marriage was doomed from the onset …with being threatened with “sign ANC without accrual & having to keep all receipts of goods you purchase to be able to leave with anything besides your clothes or else I cannot marry you ‘…by the way this was said on the wednesday evening& we married on the saturday.Anyway 7 years down the lane I’m a fulltime stay @ home Mum,due to kids having many allergies&unable to regularly attend day care.Emigrated to his home country last july as it’s best for kids.Constantly been made to feel guilty for any money spent on anything but household expenses.Invited my only living relative for Christmas,however must stress consulted husband & he gave authorization.However has treated my Mum’s visit as complete non event,not taking her to any tourists sights,complained at her ordering a sauce to accompany her meal in restuarant,complained that she was watching telly….by the way was the only day in her entire visit that she felt brave enough to watch news.He refused to give me money to take my Mum on day trips,so she has been stuck in flat with kids&I for weeks.The selfish behaviour toward me I overlooked too many times,however husbands selfishness&cruelty to my Mum unforgiveable.I have had to give up my name,financial independance,all my insurance savings,my country,emotional support in friends back home&now helplessly witness cruelty to my only blood relative&loved one.He says he is sorry however not believable.I have attended counselling repeatedly to try change or learn how to heal our marriage,he has refused to attend,however this time it is the last straw I have refused to give him another chance&have asked for separation.We forced to live in same house but I feel so trapped & disappointed.Please give me some advice.

  16. Mich, if there is any way you can go back to your mum and friends, I would run not walk. You are NOT a slave or owned. You should be treated as an equal partner in a relationship. Please feel this tight hugs from across the pond. DONT STAY!!!!!!! Take care of the most important things in your life, you and your kids.

  17. I have been looking on-line at living together separation agreements, and lists of how to accomplish this, but what I haven’t seen is how to change the way you communicate to each other. I’m talking about negative remarks, condemnation, etc. I’d love to have a list of communication do’s and don’ts! Does anyone have a link to something like that?

  18. Angie says,
    March 1,2016
    My husband and I have purchased a lot and are building a new home which is supposed to be finished in june or july.The issue is we are and have NOT been getting along at all. He is VERY mentally abusive, calls me VERY bad names,yells and accuses me of sooo many untruthful thing that I cant take it anymore.Can I get my namr off this house without any consequences to me legally?

    1. It’s easy enough to remove your name from title by signing a quit claim, but if you are financing the home, it likely won’t be possible to remove your name from the financing mortgage. You can talk to the lender to see what the procedure is.

  19. Disgusted with infidelity

    My spouse has repeatedly cheated on me and we have had marriage counseling numerous times. Married 30 yrs. I feel like im enabling him by continuing to stay with him. I want to separate for the sake of the marriage. I dont know if he will feel what he could possibly lose if we live together but separately in the same house.

  20. i have been living wit my new husband for 7 yrs n on oct. 30Th 2015 we got married and he does work a min. Wadge job n i get ssi which isnt much. We have been fighting bout money bc its takes both our pay just to live. We live in nc n either he has to quite his job so i keep my full benifits or he works n i loose my benifits or we get a divorce so we can make it living together. Ive heard since weve only been married for 4 months it can be anulled is this true?? N we dnt make enough to live seperatly please help??

  21. nadine cortez

    Wanted to ask if I’ve been married 28 Years, been verbally and physically abused, backed my spouse up to have a great career, raised all my kids, and have one left I’m raising, no career, gave me 200, and with that pay a bill, groceries, and here he is neglecting the bills, and just spending on himself, won’t even give my daughter $20, he says he’s gonna pay all the bills, which I don’t see that, and doesn’t help me with my daughter , as far as interacting with her, what rights can I get , with finances, he makes good money weekly; 2000wkly

    1. In most states your spouse has a legal duty to support you and his children. If he is failing to do so, you should talk to an attorney to find out what your rights and remedies are in your state.

  22. My sister wants to leave her husband, but he wouldn’t let her work, so she has no money. She’s considering living separately in their house, but doubts he’d go for it. He refuses to get health insurance and recently she went to the hospital and they found a mass. They want to send her to Dallas for surgery, but he refuses to have anything to do with it; he says they should just sit back and let God heal her. She can’t get assistance because he won’t allow her access to his financial records. (I doubt he files taxes and this is the reason he’s so secretive). He’s one of those types who thinks government rules should apply to everyone but him because he’s God’s personal spokesperson. Her mother died with ovarian cancer and now she has a huge mass on her ovary, so you can imagine how scared she is. I just wonder if there’s anything she can do to get assistance. Our brother and I are dirt poor, so we can’t help much.

    1. My husband and I are deaf couples been married for 21 years. I have a affair with man for 4 years also live with me in same under roof which my husband and I are separate room for 4 years. We live in Maryland not know if I get in hot water ? The reason I decided let marriage down cuz of his sister and father always gossiping and controls over us. No vacations, financial crisis and his weird family controls our good marriage. I still see my counsel my boyfriend too. I tried to save the marriage to asked him go with me see the counsel he refused because pastor church said God will heal without helps. Help me please but I do love my 4 years boy friend

  23. Charity Boswell

    What if my husband is angry about it and doesn’t agree with the living separate and under the same roof but doesn’t want to leave and I can’t afford to leave and he is verbally abusive? What can I do then? We are both care takers for the home we live in and barely pay rent. However, I am afraid that he is trying to provoke so that I will leave. He breaks my things, throws my things around the house but doesn’t hit me. I am lost because I don’t want to leave yet because I am not sure where I can go yet. We don’t have children and I have separated my account. Can you give any advice?

  24. been married for 10 years live in separate bedroom for the last 2 my wife has issues from being very verbal to just dam mean-i had enough i call her the b word -and she went off the wall -but if i ask for a divorce she cries and said she loves me .should i stay or should i go now she nice— wow for now

  25. Been married for 23 years and together for 25. Three beautiful children of 21, 19 and 14. We live together in separate bedrooms for the past 1.5 years but share everything. We do tread each other with gifts, shop together and have a great loving friendship. When he is around we have fabulous sex. We are both moving abroad in seperate houses and will always care for each other as we are parents of great kids and were in each other’s lives for so long. It’s all about acceptance. If you accept that you will separate but will be in each other’s live as parents and friends everything is possible! Just be mature and not bitter about it. We love each other enough to wish each other happiness.

  26. Ive been married 30 years together 34. i want to leave but dont know where to go or how. We have four sons all adults. my problem is he is ok with the situation, if i stay or go doesn”t matter. How do you stop the hurt, his income is much greater, i couldnot keep the house alone. I still work two jobs he is retired. What options do I have?

  27. I reacently moved to florida because my wife was offers a position in the jacksonville office we have bin together for 9 years we have a 7 year old but in the last few months she started to act diffrently then I find out that she is atracted to one of her co workers. Shortly their after she tells me she wants to separate then she wanted more than that she wants a divorece. The problem is that I left my job all of my extended family back in California I left everything for her now I am here in florida with no job what so ever trying to find one with no luck. The other problem is through all of this my love for her is their I understand that I have to let it be, I am so confused every time I see her I want to hug her kiss her feel her close to me but that will never happen
    She told me that the reason she stoped living me was because I was verbally abuseve did not consider her feelings but in that I was not the only one. She always made more money than me and keeps telling me that she is over supporting me.Now I am going through a depression I try not to brake down I am botteling everything so my son those not see what is going on I want to talk to some one but I do not have any support. Out here and today I got another blow, the evidence was their in plane sight almost like she was trying to throw it in my face, she slept with that co worker. We are not divorced yet but are sleeping in diffrent rooms I due all the dinners take care of my son the pets and all she douse is stay in her office in her computer on face book or talking to that coworker I need help because I do not know what do u am so confused

  28. Wondering if anyone can give me advice. I’m in the UK. My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for the last 5. I decided I wanted to seperate due to his lack of trying to get a job, sleeping seperatly due to his online gaming obsession. I work, pay all the bills etc, both our names are obv on the rent card (we don’t have a mortgage and rent). I go to work, come home, do all the housework because he hasn’t moved out his chair all day. So I asked him for a break which he took badly and just proceeded to tell me if I want a break, I should go. I now know in myself I want to seperation leading to divorce as I don’t think he’ll change. I also have a 19 year old son from a previous relationship who has autism and I don’t want him to be living in a house of bad feeling. Can anyone help me with wher I stand on this. I’ve not had any legal advice as of yet but from what I’ve read, it needs to be through mutual agreement that one of us moves out. Thanks in advance

        1. Yes, I am a financial expert. And when people ask legal questions, I am smart enough to know that I’m not an attorney and I don’t know the laws in their state. Would you really rather I guess at what the law might be? No, of course not — that would be idiotic, right?

  29. In Illinois, if you are separated but living together it is up to the judge’s discretion whether to let you file for a divorce if one party is contesting the divorce. You’re supposed to be able to prove you’ve been living separate lives for 6 months if you want to divorce for irreconcilable differences. However, if both parties agree to amicably divorce then there’s no problem.

    I think these are all good ideas if you need to prove you’ve been separated for 6 months due to state laws before you can file for divorce. The thing about following all these rules is that if one party doesn’t agree to the divorce, after the 6 month period you have to be able to prove to the judge that you’ve been living separately under the same roof. Your spouse could contest this if he or she has been doing your laundry, making your meals, paying your expenses etc. So, before bashing the author for listing these rules, I think you should try to decide what the overall goal you have for the separation is. If you want a divorce but your spouse doesn’t and you need to prove to a judge that you really were living separately even though you were under the same roof, then following the above rules would certainly help your case. You’d probably need witnesses that can attest to the fact that you are truly living separately.

    My son is in this position right now. He wants to get a divorce but his spouse does not. They are living separately for 6 months so he can prove that there are irreconcilable differences. He’s taken all the above steps including not wearing his wedding ring, he has her wedding ring in his possession. They have separate bedrooms, eat separately. His wife has never cooked his meals, done his laundry, cleaned the home or made any household contributions. She keeps every penny of the money she makes to get her hair and nails done, pay for a personal trainer, buy weight loss products etc. He pays for everything related to daily living even though they make a similar amount of money. All bills for the household except the cell phones are in his name alone because her credit is terrible. She has massive credit card debt that is all in default. (Fortunately she had it before the marriage so hopefully when he can finally divorce he won’t be saddled paying her debt off.) Her reckless spending and refusal to contribute to the household in any way is the reason he wants a divorce. However, she refuses. Why would she agree? She lives as a child as though it is her daddy paying for everything. Another blessing is that they have no children. When he was researching divorce he found out that he had to have this 6 month separation to prove the irreconcilable differences and force her into a divorce. During this time he is seeking counseling and he has encouraged her to seek counseling separately. Naturally, she refuses. He is hoping that by following the steps outlined above, he can show the judge that he has made every effort to work things out with her and has lived completely separately all this time. We have offered to let him move in with us for 6 months but since he is the one paying for all the expenses of the home, he does not want to move out of it.
    Anyway, I don’t think any of these steps listed above are unreasonable in his case.

  30. how do you continue to live together when one partner is living in denial that a separation is happening? My husband of 15 years and I have been on a downward spiral for years and I finally asked for a separation. we tried the counseling thing and that didn’t work . we are trying to stay friends while the assests are sold but it will be another 6 or so months. He always avoided conflict and refused to talk about anything negative which was part of the problem as nothing ever gets resolved . we have a 10 year old child together . I sleep in a separate room and we don’t do any of the daily household things for each other like laundry or cleaning but do eat meals together with our child. I want to remain friends for the sake of co parenting but he almost acts as if nothing is happening and if he ignores it , its not happening… makes me think of an ostrich with his head in the sand. cant afford to move out until the house sells though so we need to work together on that and that will take a while.

  31. Nice to find this site and see that I’m not alone. I feel stuck in a marriage that should never have happened. We’ve been basically talking separation for the past 9 months but we are tied into a rental lease until a few weeks from now so living together still (he refused to move). He started sleeping on the couch a couple weeks ago then told me tonight that we are married, he’s paying bills, so it is his RIGHT to sleep in the bed. So here I am on the couch as I am usually up late studying. We only have a 2/2 and we have a toddler who sleeps in her own room. I’m not sure how this will pan out with divorce if we can’t really have separate quarters and he’s refusing to sleep in a different room.

    I feel that there has always been an issue with finances. He calls me cheap b/c I don’t offer to take him out to eat but I have to ask for reimbursement for things that I’ve paid for that are shared expenses (daycare, daughters copays). He never buys our daughter clothes or shoes unless I tell him to and I rarely have. I buy more than my fair share of the food and with her expenses, I feel that I am paying 50%+ but he disagrees and says I need to pay more. I pay all of the utilities (electric, cell, cable) and reimburse him for my part of the health insurance. He complained that wasn’t enough and said I needed to pay 40% of the bills (mortgage, electric, cell, cable). I already pay 100% of the utilities. I offered 40% of the rent. This leads to a big argument b/c he wants to add up the mortgage, electric, cell, cable and then deduct all of the utilities that I pay to come up with a bigger amount to pay. It makes absolutely no sense.

    My husband lost his job only a few months after being married. I said I’d pay for everything for a few months. The problems came when he was job searching. I felt that a good husband would take any job to help contribute a fair share but he turned down a maintenance position and refused to utilize his management experience in the restaurant industry and a reference for the cable company here. He said they didn’t pay enough and that he didn’t want to be a manager anymore. He decided to take a server position 4 months later far away so no one would see him. He wasn’t making much money so that left me paying over half of the bills for at least 6 months. Our agreement was that he’d pay the entire rent for at least 6 months when he got a decent paying job. This happened at 15 months…and after 2 mos of working, he was already asking when I’d start contributing to the rent. Am I the only one who sees this as abnormal? I am done with being with someone who doesn’t act in the way I feel a husband should. Anytime I want to have a day to myself to go to the mall or get some type of pampering, he calls or texts my phone asking if I’m done after a couple hours. I’ve stopped leaving the house unless I’m going somewhere with him or my daughter. He even pitched a fit when I went to dinner with my daughter and my male best friend who came in to town to meet her. It’s like being in a prison. All I do is go to work and to the park with my daughter. I have no friends or family here. He makes plans with his friends or comes home and goes to the gym with no consideration of if I want to do something alone. He’s on his phone or laptop all night when her gets home or all day on the weekends playing fantasy baseball but anytime I look at my phone I get questioned. If I get a text, I get questioned. He’s very critical and controlling. I breastfed and worked full-time while he was unemployed and he called me lazy for not cooking much or doing the dishes when he’s home every day. It was exhausting enough working 12 hrs and trying to find time to pump. Come home and breastfeed and pump. Not to mention clean and sterilize all of the pump accessories. He’s just been so verbally abusive and critical that it has rubbed off. I’ve now started criticizing everything he does. I don’t like the person I’ve become. I’ve lost interest in sex with him and that’s another complaint. We have a 2 yr old and I want her to grow up in a happy home with both parents but I can’t take it anymore. I want to leave but am also feeling overwhelmed about being a single mom. Am I the only one who sees the issues in the relationship? We’ve tried counseling and I felt that I was made out to be the bad guy. I was told “at least he’s trying” and to “tough it out a couple months” when he was finally about to start a decent paying job when I was mentally and physically exhausted. My schedule has always revolved around his. He says he has no problem with paying for daycare but then complains if I’m working during the week. He then complains that I’m working every weekend if I don’t. Always complaining. He is his mother’s child. He’ll never be happy with anything.

  32. I have been in a relationship for 15 years. We have had some great times together travelling and spending time on our yacht. We also own a house together. He earns about ten times more than me. My income has never increased and I have gradually become more and more financially dependant. I never felt good about this situation as I always wanted to be more autonomous and have my own money and career but for one reason or another I couldn’t make it happen so instead I became the home maker.

    The difficulties became more frequent between us ie lots of very intense emotionally painful discussions that never go anywhere. It all ends in tears and then we make up and the cycle starts over. After years of these kind of painful behaviour patterns we both felt unhappy and trapped and begun seeing a counsellor. My partner then decided he no longer wanted to be in the relationship. This was a devastating blow for me particularly because I have no job, no money and no real employment prospects.

    The thought of a future in a one bedroom bachelor box trying to scratch together the money to survive is a depressing thought. We have paid off 3/4 of the mortgage but afte the split I would only have enough for mentioned apartment above. Also we co own so much stuf and the thought of dividing it all up is traumatising. I still love him very much and still feel very attracted.

    So we decide to stay living together and it feels really weird. We sleep in separate rooms but now we are kind of flirting with each other. We stil com together and and eat together. Nothing has changed except that we have been having intense painful discussions and we aren’t sleeping together or having sex. I can’t bare it becaus o still want him but he says he can’t be with me anymore. Sometimes looks at me and cries. I don’t understand. I think he still loves me but the pain of staying together and acting out painful behaviour patterns is too much for him. So confusing. If we end up separating physically I never want to go through something like this ever again.

  33. Why is It Mostly women commenting here?
    I am a stay at home dad and recently caught my wife on the phone speaking to a secret lover.
    So we decided to separate.
    I am in the bedroom downstairs and she is in the main bedroom upstairs.
    We have three lovely daughters ages 12 to 14 we decided it would be best if we remained friends and raised the kids under the same roof.
    The one thing that bothers me is wanting to see her sleeping at night and holding her.
    We have been together for 25 years and I miss her so much.
    I gave up my job to raise the kids because she was able to make 350k a year and my job was taking me away from the kids.
    Now I have no job and no wife.
    Even though we are separated I cannot get myself to date anyone else .
    I guess I still love her I’m just hoping her and her new boyfriend don’t decide to through me out on the street.

    1. I am in the same situation. My wife and I just decided to live separately under the same roof. We have two children, 3 and 6. The problem is I still love and want to be close to her, especially at night when I just want to hold her. she also has a boyfriend that I am worried about. I keep hoping that it doesnt work out between them. I’m in a lot of pain.

      1. I am also in a similar situation ,my wife and I got married young,she was 18 I was 21. We both came from dysfunctional Family backgrounds
        Our early relationship was drug and alcohol fueled. Her father was a raging alcoholic who beat her mother. She was molested as a child, abused in foster care, raped as a teenager,and very much neglected by both parents.
        I was also humiliated by my father as a teenager growing up in the neighborhood in front of my teenage peers. And my mother had many nervous breakdowns, my father was also an alcoholic at the time and we were handed over to relatives when I was young along with my four other brothers. But long story short, needless to say, when my wife and I got married we didn’t have the social tools required to interact properly.
        I cheated on her several times early on in the relationship and she repaid in kind with a brief affair. It has since been an emotional roller coaster over the past 30 years, with 10 separations four
        Almost ending in divorce
        My wife has never had to work outside the home because I make enough money, we have three grown children, only one still lives at home
        And he is our youngest at 25.
        I have given her everything I possibly can in the way of physical things nice clothes shoes jewelry luxury car vacations and cruises abroad
        I have tried to be there for her emotionally also, but with her baggage and my own walls, she feels it was not enough.
        Moving forward, most recently this summer she decided to take a large sum of money and move out and get an apartment of her own I just recently finished paying for her to Go through real estate school and bought her all the things she needed to succeed in her career.
        Since moving out she has not made any money in the real estate business and has almost Gone through the 30,000 in cash she took four months ago.
        She now wants to move back in the house because she is allergic to something in her apartment left behind by the previous tenants,
        I have been helping her along, I helped her move into her apartment now I’m helping her move back into the house.
        Yeah now that she’s back in the house she claims she is able to get spousal support from Me. Even though I pay for absolutely everything and all the bills. We are separated living in the house in separate bedrooms even though we do eat together and do things for each other. And even occasionally have sex when she initiates it
        33 years married and still a mess.

  34. I’m considering a legal separation, but want to remain living in the same house. We have lived in separate bedrooms for about a decade – been married for 16.

    I don’t work, and we have a son. We live out of state, so there’s no family to stay with.

    I don’t mind doing his laundry or doing the grocery shopping.

    I don’t buy anything for myself, except food. So keeping separate accounts doesn’t seem necessary.

    But I do need to stay on his health insurance, as I have medical issues and need the insurance.

    I am hoping that the separation will ease my unhappiness and anxiety., making me not feel like I’m living as a caged animal.

    As we are now, I don’t think it would be any different than our current situation – just attaching a name to what we’ve become – separated.

  35. Mine is also similar to the above, I found out that my husband was flirting with another woman( not sure anything happened, he denies it but texts from other woman suggested they did), he stated that he found the phone and was just messing around bcse he was feeling lonely, he apparently did not know the woman. I also found out that he cheated on me when we first got together( 2 months in the relationship), we have been together for 6 years, married for 3. he explained that he had decided to leave me then but changed his mind when he found out I was pregnant. I decided to separate but stay living together for financial reasons and for the kids( we have 3). I have made that decision but I know that he is hoping to reconcile. He is on the sofa for the past 5 months, he doesn’t want to go in other room ( proposed to convert dining room in his bedroom as we don’t have enough rooms)with hope that I will feel guilty and let him back in my bed.I don’t intend on getting back with him, doesn’t love him anymore, however I can feel myself wanting to be physically intimate with him( can’t be bothered to look for someone new when he is here, but that’s purely physical. I’m wondering if that’s a good idea or shall I restrain from going there completely?

  36. We have been married for 44 years. I’ve had it with her hoarding and junk piles. Recently her bedroom was infested with fleas and bugs and I could hardly get rid of the fleas. She has ruined any nice homes we’ve had. She cares more about herself and what others think of her….NOT us and what others may think of US. No kids. Retired. Her junk creeps into all house spaces and she does not care what I’d like. She is ‘sick’ I know. I love her but more like a ‘pal’. Yes….we have been room mates for years….never in the same bedroom. Rarely eat together…but I cook, do the house shores, shopping, etc. She is morbidly obese (so am I). Her only ‘life’ is the church…and those folks are very into their OWN lives and can’t ‘adopt her’ as such. So no real social life. Anyway, I am thinking of dividing the house, walling off 2 bedrooms and the main bath. She would have the rest….kitchen, her custom bathroom, laudry room, foyer (entry). I would have a sliding door entrance into one of the bedrooms and live as though in ‘apartment B’.

  37. Hello! I really need advice (non legal)for a very difficult situation. My husband is a serial cheater period but especially with prostitues. And no our sex life isn’t a problem. I’ve gone from giving it to him when(3to6x’s daily)& however he wants it, to me not wanting him to touch me. He is also very verbally abusive .Anyway, my situation is a little different in terms of financial circumstances. We won a settlement for my son & bought a home for my sons special needs & I nor he can kick each other out. I have been assigned financially(less than 30k yearly) to care for my son because I had done so since he was born & the estate insisted I be his caretaker even though I initially turned the offer down. I have always wanted to work & continue my education but without his support I have been unable to do so. He doesn’t want hired help he tells me home is where I belong.

    He quit his job a year into moving into our home (paid for)without consulting with me so now he has no job, doesn’t want to work & it’s been about 7 years now. My check pays the bills along with a small contribution for my sons living expenses. I’ve been caring for my son his entire 16 years of his life. We were told that when a couple divorce that they loose the home granted to my disabled child when that happens & I don’t know why, people live together divorced all the time( & don’t want to ask) So I’ve decided that I would be willing to continue to live together while separate because I want to avoid my son loosing his home. Not to mention he has nowhere to go nor do I. We also have a 10 & 18year old .

    He pretends to agree to separate living but only last about 2 weeks to a month. He seem to see it as an struggle free opportunity to be free & wreckless. We share a car & he questions my every move upon returning even if he just finished with a prostitute that day. I am certain I want a divorce. But the extreme pressure of me potentially causing my son to loose his home is too much. I have tried moving on by telling him I’m done but he found a way to stalk whereabouts & sabatosh all my efforts & personal emails in the past.

    We are capable of getting alone but he is very controlling, angry if I have friends, workout etc. & hostel when it comes to communication. It’s like he’s forcing me to deal with it & makes me feel threatened to move forward. I saw nothing wrong with trying to move on as he should also knowing what can happen if I file for a divorce.

    Again, Im not looking for legal advice, I just need to know a way around this all to begin living my life for me again. I’ve felt trapped due to responsibility & lack of support from anyone for my sons needs. I cannot work even when attempting to do so I’ve been told that I’ve been unemployed too long & every effort Ive made to go to school (because he is home to care for my son)he interfered with by not taking my son to his appointments (which I get scolded for by the estate) when I’m at school forcing me to miss a ton of days to where I couldn’t complete my degree(in nursing).

    He does not help with house work except every blue moon he’ll clean the kitchen counter or a bathroom (out of 4). Then will criticize me for not wanting to be a slave. He says “that’s my job”. We have a nice size home with lots of living areas & 5 bedrooms. All I’ve ever asked was for him to put away the clothes as I washed & folded &I ask for help with more bathrooms. He is also messy & if not for him I wouldn’t need to clean so much even with my 10 year old.

  38. I was so thankful to find this discussion group. I am in a completely different jurisdiction (Hong Kong) but there are global themes which we share. I will spare the long backstory but the reality is that people can be abusive and whilst it is perhaps more common for men to physically abuse, the recognition of spousal abuse, by women, through psychological manipulation and verbal denigration is, generally under reported. I was a highly successful academic in a local University and then in 2012 a disgruntled subordinate made a completely false and malicious allegation that I had physically assaulted him at work. No witnesse, no evidence, his word against mine. The word of a local Hong Kong Chinese person against that of a Gweilo (the pejorative term used for white people). The “Rule of Law” in Hong Kong is a bit of a myth. In one month in July 2013, I lost my father, my job, our house that went with the job, and I became a Pariah. On reflection I just do not know how I survived but there is no doubt I became severely depressed and did try to end things. My wife is Hong Kong Chinese and we have two lovely children, 15 and 10. The youngest child is adopted. We have, like my two daughters from a previous marriage a wonderful relationship. I also have a strong relationship with my son and I encourage both of them to be supportive of their mother. So, what is the relevance to this group. Six weeks ago I was served deposition for a divorce based on two years of separation. I could not believe it as we had not been living separately but my wife says that her solicitors and other legal advisors have told her that “living separately whilst in the same house” is a matter for the judge to define within certain criteria. I went to the court on Monday to state that I could not agree to the deposition and the Judge was quite threatening saying that she did not like contested divorces and would award punitive costs against me if I caused her to have to preside over a trial. I do know that despite all I do still love the inner child I saw when I first met my wife. But it has not been an easy marriage. My wife is very “Chinese” to the extent that nothing the children or husband does is good enough. I have been verbally abused all of our marriage. I have had sharp knives shaken in my face with theats of being cut if I cause her to “lose face”. I should point out that in Hong Kong it is the standard practice for most families to have a domestic helper and I had asked her to stop hoovering the guest room at midnight. My wife had ordered her to that for a visitor who was arriving next day. Counterminding an order made by my wife to a maid was behavior punishable by “death” (almost!).

    I am getting better but my confidence and self-esteem have been shattered but not destroyed. From my previous experience of the “Law” in Hong Kong I did not have confidence in being treated fairly and did not know what to do. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow and one of the key issues is how you define separation when living under the same roof.

    It is very difficult for men in this situation. We are encouraged to walk away “for the sake of the children”. Stereotypes are invoked and reviewing hundreds of emails exchanged over the past couple of years I see my wife portraying herself as the long suffering victim whilst I am the antichrist! This led to increasing social isolation as fair weather friends started to avoid me and I was generally regarded as “mad”. A label has helped me with the diagnosis of severe depression with suicidal intent. But again this is in a society which is very suspicious of mental illness.

    I am not sure that I have anything to contribute to this discussion but it has helped to share my position. I was a highly qualified medical professional who has spent a lifetime helping others and neglected myself for too long. The stereotype alpha male does so much harm to men. We do have feelings and we can be very deeply hurt by vicious words. We can become mentally ill through stress and isolation. I do not know if I am clinging to thought of saving my marriage like a drowning man grasping a life boy in a fierce ocean storm. Do I let go and sink into the depths of the ocean and find peace at last or do I cling on and hope and pray that there will be an end of different nature: the storm quelling and a tropical paradise emerging out of the mist. I am getting better because even the thought my children did not prevent me from doing some very stupid things. Now, I want to survive and give them all my love and care but how do I do that and keep reinforcing the notion that their mother, my wife, is a fundamentally good person who was abused as a child and cannot help herself in the way she behaves now?

    As adults we can understand that and that is why we have therapy. It comes down to “Face” again. Chinese adults do not have mental problems, or issues as we might call them. So the cultural dimension adds extra challenges to these marriage, separation and divorce issues.

    My heart goes out to all those who are having difficulties in relationships particularly where children are involved. I do not how I found this website but it is indeed a comfort to know that I am not alone. Thank you

  39. Tim, it’s Lynn. Is this you on here using the name Keith? Sounds a lot like you. I love you and I do not have a boyfriend. I have loved you for 29 years. The alcohol is the problem. Please get help. I will fight for you till my dying breath.

  40. Hi, my situation sounds similar to another comment. My husband has been ill since 2011 with testicular cancer and end state kidney disease. He has been fairly non-compliant with his treatments, dialysis, healthcare etc., and I have been his caregiver over these years. Long story short…we are both stressed, overwhelmed and our marriage has been affected tremendously. I have reached a point of wanting to move on because of how he doesn’t handle his business, health, money, etc., and I have had to file bankrupty because I don’t get support. We have a 15 year old daughter together and in my opinion, he hasn’t built a very close relationship with her and I think he is jealous because I have and blames me for his lack thereof. He has stated that he will be moving to Las Vegas to have his parents “help take care of him” and that’s fine, but I’m currently not financially able to move at this time and was wondering if filing a legal separation and staying in the home until I am able, will be a good move. The house is in his name and we have lived in it since 2005, but didn’t get married until 2008. He pays the mortgage, which is behind and I pay everything else. Also, he is on disability and I get a disability deposit for our daughter as well. I’ve tried to help him during his illness, but it’s getting to be a stressful chore that is not appreciated and is causing a lot of drama.

    1. Legal separation is the same as divorce, you go through all the same legal hoops of child custody determination, property settlement and setting alimony and child support, except that at the end you aren’t free to remarry. Your post doesn’t seem to be focused on that kind of a legal move, and I’m wondering what benefit you believe legal separation would give you? I would think that you would end up better off a widow than divorced/legally separated, but perhaps you see something that I don’t. I suggest you get legal advice regarding your particular situation.

  41. I’m wondering if legal separation forms available online would hold up in court if one of the parties don’t live up to the arrangements made for separation while living under the same roof. Anyone has any idea? Thanks.

    1. If you file all the documents required to go through a legal separation (property settlement, setting support, custody arrangements) and the documentation is accepted by the court, then it is enforceable in court.

  42. I am 43 years old, and have been married for 25 years (since I was 18). My husband and I had two children. Our oldest child was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2011 at the age of almost 16. He passed away in December 2013. It was the most awful thing in my life. He was amazing and had inspirational faith in God. His younger brother Colten is now an only child, just turned 18 and started his senior year in high school today. My husband and I have been on a roller coaster for many years. My husband has a college degree, I do not. He never obtained a job in his field due to availability and geographic location and we just didn’t move. He worked for his families business and then for a couple other companies (he is 47). I have worked since I was 16 and after highschool I continued to gain work experience and have worked myself into a good job with good pay. We moved into our family home 10 years ago (we built it ourself and it is quite large). Right after moving in he lost his job. Since then he found employment twice and both jobs were eliminated after a large scale company re-organization. So he has basically been unemployed since we moved into the home 10 years ago. At first it wasn’t a huge deal, we were able to make it on my salary and some side jobs he worked. After awhile it became a big problem and I grew more and more unhappy. He was looking for work but couldn’t find it, problem is his expectations. I understand he wanted to return to what he knew and not take a giant step down but enough was enough. Then our son was diagnosed. That put everything else on the back burner. I was able to transition into a work from home position and keep my title, benefits and pay which was a gift from GOD. The following 3 years were all about our child fighting for his life. He had a terminal illness, I knew it but my husband could never accept it. I believe in GOD and miracles, I just also had to know what we were dealing with. My husband continued to stay home. By this time he had assumed a lot of the household duties like laundry and keeping things clean and picked up etc. However, I still paid all the bills, did the grocery shopping and cooking (when we were able to cook). I even mow the yard. Anyway. After our son passed I really thought he would find something, but he still hasn’t. I see him looking but it doesn’t go anywhere. He does stay “busy” around the house but I do not feel that it is fair or right. I have asked and begged him to get a job, our youngest son, who has his own issues, has also expressed anger towards him about working. He just says that we have no idea how much he does. I have lost all respect and don’t know if I even love him any longer. I know I don’t feel the same. I have thought about divorce many many times, however, I feel as though our son who has passed would be so dissappointed (I know that sounds crazy) but he was so worried that our family was going to fall apart after he was gone and that is exactly what is happening. I have had the same job for 20 years and pay all of the bills, I am growing increasingly angry and bitter to the point that I don’t want him to even have a credit card. I just want him to work, I don’t even care what it is. In the 20 years of working I have built up my 401k, and since we built our home we have a lot of equity in it. Our son is going to college 9 hours away next year on an athletic scholarship but it doesn’t cover everything. We will have about $10k out of pocket each year. I am trying to figure out my best option. I thought of legal separation but he refuses to leave saying that he helped build the house. I can’t afford to leave and continue to pay the payments that my name are on. It is an absolute nightmare and I feel like I am going to get the short end of the stick in all of this. We didn’t agree for him to “stay at home”, he was capable of working. I came across this website and was so happy to see that I wasn’t alone. Looking for options.

  43. My husband have been together for 21 years, married for 13. We have given it our best, it is not going to work. There is mental abuse and on occasion, it is physical. Our children are 22 (mine from a prior relationship), 19, 12, and 10. The 22 year old moved out at 14 because of the fighting. I have held a grudge against my spouse for that for years. Our 19 year old no longer wants to stay under our roof and the 2 younger kids have seen and heard things they never should have. Recently, we had to call the cops to intervene in an altercation. We have discussed it and decided to split but neither of us can afford to leave. We are planning to co-habitat until we are in a better position to part ways. However, he is already trying to initiate a reconciliation and I do not want it. Please, I need help. What can I do???

  44. I’m new to this separation thing. Been married 34 years and He was always an over the road truck driver. I raised 5 of our kids and 1 of his. He came home one day and announced that he was coming off the road and would be driving local. That was 18 months ago and I can’t live another day with him. He doesn’t even know who I am. The kids are gone, grown and married. I have 2 lovely ladies with intellectual disabilities living in the home. This has been my only source of income. I was a stay at home mom my whole life and cannot collect SS due to the fact I didn’t put enough in. If I leave I will lose my girls and they will lose their home. This house was in my husbands family for over 3 generations. I moved out of the bedroom with ALL of my things and am attempting to carry on. I can’t divorce due to finances. I can’t live with him…it’s time for me to think of what I want in this life isn’t it? I think he is finally taking me serious. We are civil to one another. It’s been 6 weeks. What’s next? Sure could use advice. I feel trapped

  45. I’ve married for 11 years. Shortly after we married, less than a year, I got pregnant with our first and only child and the marriage started deteriorating. We have been intimate in 10 years and have slept in separate bedrooms for the majority of the time. My husband refuses to even entertain a divorce.

    I am a SAHM to a 9 year old child. I have no where to go. I have no job and no income of my own.

    This seems to be the perfect solution for us. Please anyone who disagrees, explain to me how we aren’t living like a separated couple right now??

    I don’t mind doing his laundry and keeping things as they are.

    I would like to live as friends, not enemies.

    Unfortunately, in my state, you cannot file for a legal separation if you intend to live in the same house.

    My husband is either placating me by agreeing to such an arrangement or plans to make me completely miserable by going along with it.

    Guess we’ll see how it all plays out!

  46. My wife and I are both 49, married 20 years, and we’re both very dedicated to our 13 and 16 YO children. We don’t suffer from any of the health/alcohol/cheating/abuse issues that so many of the poor posters have to deal with. She’s been home for 15 years taking care of the kids while I cover all finances. I work from home and spend a lot of time w the boys and helping with errands and shuttling. She called it quits, but neither want to sell the house on the kids or destroy our finances. We’re in seperate beds, and no intimacy, but that’s all that has changed. She still wants to be friends, and it’s as if nothing is different around the household. The current scenario would be that we would need to live like this for 6 more years, then she takes half and runs off., I told her she needs to go back to work, but there isn’t much effort there. I feel trapped. If i keep this up I can’t move on and heal, and my investment in the marriage is useless. I don’t want to sell the house on the kids or cause us financial distress so I’mmplaying along until I figure it out. Thoughts?

  47. i have been married for 28 years and my husband has been cheating on me. I work ,but make every little money. We own a s-corp together. His name is on everything the house , the business . In the state I live I would not get any part of the house or business. His spending has put us in debt. I cann’t afford a lawyer and how he is ask for a to be seperated . And I should pay off half the debt and move out of the house. Need Help

  48. I’m not married but I’m in a similar situation and would like advice. I’ve been with my sons dad for 9 years on and off. The passed year we’ve been sleeping in two different bedrooms. I made that choice out of anger but regretted it everyday because I wanted to be next to him. I used to tell him how I felt about the situation but he’d ignore it and say he doesn’t like sleeping next to anyone due to comfort reasons. The passed year has been full of ups and downs and fights and saying things out of anger. The passed 2 months he’d been secretive. Not coming home not telling me what was happening and in my heart I knew something was happening but refused to accept it because I love him and want our family to work. With such horrible communicating issues I never told him that I just remained angry. It came to light this passed week he’s been spending time with another woman and developed feelings for her because he had given up on me. I don’t know if I should leave. I can’t afford my own place right now. And I never wanted to leave I was hoping we’d reconcile and work on our problems. Instead I shut down and he started letting go.

    1. Dini, Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I’ve been so angry. I have given up and have shut down too. Some days I can’t even… My son keeps me going.
      My husband is very secretive too he even takes his phone when he showers he has blocked all his contacts on facebook too. When I ask him he swears he is not cheating on me.
      I want him to move out. At this point I know we need a break. I believe I will be happier. We have talked about getting separated in the past, but I held on to us working it out. He doesn’t believe that we could take a break and try to work out things. He thinks that once it is over it is over.

  49. My marriage has been falling apart for years. We finally decided to separate. I really don’t know what to do next. We have a son and of course we both want him. My husband works full time and makes decent money. I am a disabled veteran on a very fixed income. My son just started school and I haven’t been able to get a job. We had our share of financial problems. Now, he will move out only if I sign an agreement to a fixed amount of child support. I can’t afford our home alone with no job. And I forgot to mention no vehicle. I was given $6000 to go find something.
    I have read some of the posts, I guess I am wondering if I should I try to live together separately. I just don’t see how. We r both home at night at the same time. If I go to “my bedroom” then I will never see my son.
    I just feel so alone and scared.

  50. hi just a question… i have lodged my paper work, but im not sure too when i will hear back. i think it going on a month now. been really tough living for me financially

  51. I’m living with him only because he won’t leave. I’m the female paying the mortgage sleeping in the basement. Month 8 into divorce and all we have is a start of a parenting agreement. There is no talking, just mind games and inconsideratation on his part. He has taken over the bedroom. There is no way this Arrangement is healthy for the children.

  52. My husband & I still love each other but we always end up fighting unless we don’t see each other or we pretend everything is fine. We’re both tired of the stress we put on each other & what it’s doing to our children who still live at home with us. Divorce isn’t an option & we can’t afford to live separately even if he would allow or agree to it as neither of us makes enough for that. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock & a hard place with water rushing in to drown me. I’ve tried to sleep separately from him but that only adds to the fighting. I don’t know what to do anymore

  53. To the end of my rope.Been married for 4yrs know.He has a son 15 every dispectfull toward me his father don’t say nonething at all.Every day we are under each other hair then my mouth runs yes I have a bad potty mouth when I get upset.My son son 13 he is start to talk but at least I can take his phone away.My husband sleep different I stay on couch he is in bedroom.He don’t help with rules in house.His son don’t do anything wrong.Monkey see monkey do that is the father and son.The father yell at me so his does.I have no money to leave.He get Va cash for rent .I need help to get my own place.No vehicle. I live in Virginia Thank you

  54. Me and my husband have been married 20 years this month.i’ve not seen a situation like mine in all these posts. He is addicted to porn and I first found “it” 3 weeks married. He lied and said somehow some of his brother’s stuff got mixed in w CDith his. It was a vhs tape of a group of lesbians having an orgy. I believed him and thought all is well with my world. ButBefore are a couple years……..he hid it well…….until we got our first computer and internet. I became reacquainted with it due to pop ups of porn sites. He vehemently denied being responsible for any of it, passing it off as the “bs” that makes it’s way over the web. I believed him again and buried the suspicious thoughts I was having.

    Now we’re 5 years down the road and I started finding sorry Kleenexes in the trash, especially after taking a bath. So I dug even deeper in the pc files and found lots of hidden saved stuff. So with this “proof” he could no longer lie about it. Rather he broke down crying and promised to stop. I wanted it to be true so I chose to believe him. You can see where thiss is going. Every time I “caught” him, he found ways to hide it deeper and better.

    Psychologically this was destroying my self esteem. Rce12 years in this pattern I started drinking vodka. It was such a relief to not “feel” the pain of rejection. Sex became few and far between. I retired from my nursing career a year later because (I told everybody) I wanted to sp3nd more time at home and with my grandkids. The real reason was that I became addicted to the booze and started going to work with a morning gulp of booze.

    Now 20 years have passed……we haven’t had sex in over 3 yrs. We’ve slept in separate rooms for over 2 yrs, he doesn’t deny his addiction any longer nor will he talk about it or seek help. I NEVER let him see me naked because I’m certain he’s crossed out by my body compared to his 18 yr old fantasy porn girls. Come to find out…..he’s been hooked on it for 40 yrs. He first encountered his dad’s stash of playboy, penthouse etc…..when he was 11.

    Now I find myself determined to end this nightmare, but am “stuck” separated under the same roof with him. He won’t leave and I’m financially dependent on his paycheck. After Christmas I’m going to get a job, go back to school, and start moving toward independence. My BIGGEST problem is I can’t seem to leave the alcohol alone. I’m lonely, sad, mad, and basically just devastated. Someone say some prayers for me as I face another day.

  55. my wife and i lived in a 5 bedroom house we ate separately because of employment hadn’t had a sexual relationship for 3 years in fact i cannot remember the last time we did
    she meet a new bloke had sex with him and came home wanting a divorce we talk about i got angry we yelled at each other when we cooled down we both released that we had been apart for some time
    so we filed for a divorced the court questioned why we were at the same address we told them because of the cost of two houses we could not afford
    that we lived in a 5 bed house with two bath rooms and that we were more like flat mates then husband and wife
    the court took this under consideration and granted our divorce
    it took 4 weeks and if we had appeared in court it would of been granted that day
    we still love each other but as friends we come together at times because we have adult kids and do have grand kids
    i am a lot happier now than i have been in years

  56. This thread is interesting . I believe my husband is depressed over financial matters and losing our home to redundancy. He suddenly announced he no longer wants to be in a relationship. Our 3 adult children are upset. We have one son at home attending uni and we rent. We can’t afford a house . My husband earns the most money and without him I cannot afford to rent or live. He wants to stay under the same roof but live seperate lives – it is easier said than done when you are the one who is rejected. I am now happier when he is out. If I am to be honest we have been living seperate lives for a long time but thought we were overworking ourselves for the same financial goal of security at retirement . We have dogs that we love so it makes sense from a financial point of view to just stay as is. I believe depression has driven his decision however this set up leaves me in limbo with mixed feelings. I never imagined an old age without him and now I feel I should be looking out for a new partner but it feels weird. It is early days but after 30 + years together it is probably better than not having him in my life? Will it stop me from moving on?

  57. my wife and i had been living separate lives in the same house for over three years we had not had any sexual activities at all in this time the house was 300 sq meters two bath rooms we left for separately came home at different times we were more like flatmates than a married couple
    we filed for divorce explaining all this to the court and were given 30 days to reconsider the divorce
    we did nothing because we both wanted this two happen and the divorce was grated took 31 days and now are a lot more happier than we had been for years
    it is hard to prove but can be done

  58. This is my first day living separate with my wife while living together. It is really hard. Can someone tell me if it will get better? Also, she continues to call me throughout the day, is this healthy for or separation? I recently cheated on her, she found out through text messages and in the mist of all this, I found out she kept a secret that she cheated on me in 1997. We have been married for 20 years, will be 21 in February..

    1. In many states, child support is not due for an able-bodied child over 18. If support in your state goes on until age 21, then support will be awarded according to how much income each of you receive and where the child resides.

  59. I have spent many years trying to make my wife happy and now I feel depressed. We have 3 adult kids and have been together for 29 years. We have good careers, generally 4-5 vacations / year, lived a really good life and have never stayed in a house longer than 5 years. In 2007 we lived in Canada, I was losing my job and in the same month she told me we may not be suited for the long run. I ended up with a job in Colorado and of course she came for the adventure. After 5 years in CO she asked if we could sleep in different bedrooms, lasted 6 months and we sold the home. I am a good looking guy but she told me even if you were Brad Pitt the romance is gone and she is no longer in love. After living in a condo we agreed to buy another house and live upstairs/downstairs for 3 years allowing us to help 2 of 3 kids finish college. In Jan 2016 we were separated and again I took a financial hit (one of many). In May I bought re-financed and gave her half the equity. In Dec 2016 I discovered she was in contact with old boyfriend who she has not seen for 10 years, later I discovered this has been going on for 2 months and asked her to move out. To my surprise my daughters have pretty much disowned me b/c they do not see any problem with what happened and fully support her. I do not know who this person is anymore and trying to repair damage with my kids. My ex hid it all and chose a long distance relationship with a scum in Canada while I work 80 hrs a week to fix her mistakes and have a better future. Now I need to decided if I stay separated or divorce.

    1. I’m in the same situation somewhat ,my wife works and doesn’t help pay anything ,but benefits from what I pay and provide through my kids .she knows I cannot leave the home because of my daughters ,I don’t care what I have to pay to support my daughters ,I’m payng it all anyways ,I love my kids but I want to live again ,I don’t need to be with someone else ,I just need help paying bills ,she does as she please with no responsibility and leaves it all up to me .
      There are father’s out there that are involved with thier kids ,emotionally and financially .to the women that stay home with thier kids and do not work it’s your decision to have another person care for you financially ,but the minute it’s no longer what you want it’s falls on the guy to pay for you ,no one owes anyone anything ,you you chose to stay home then it’s your decision ,why do men have to pay for everything ,

  60. Hi Just accepting my marriage is over after 27 years, He is leaving me someday for the college sweetheart he is sleeping with now. We have separate bedrooms and I am needing a stiff drink. Due to being disabled I have limited income and he makes about 60 thousand a year. I have paid off my car but no other assets. He works a job close to our home so he is still here. I am trying not to hate passing him in the hall. He loves her and I lost my husband and best friend. He is paying the monthly bills and morage. I am over the crying and feeling worthless, oh she is 40 he is 50 and I am 60. Our marriage was doomed.

  61. Hi my name is Princess my husband and I been married for 2 years. He is physically and emotionally abusive. I am currently running my own company and procure all the equipment with my pension fund and now. I don’t want to be with him anymore, however I don’t want to divorce him because I have more to lose than him.
    My house, my cars and share of my business. I worked so hard to get where I am now. What can I do.

  62. I’m in this situation. Funny, it can also happened to unmarried couples. We’ve been together 4 years. I fell hard for him when I met him and we moved in quickly. After 6 months, he was fired for insubordination and lived off welfare, promising to get another job. 4 years later he’s still on welfare and we are primarily living off my disability pension. Every winter we live apart. He gets depressed and takes it out on me. I live a “normal”life, taking care of the house, the finances, the pets (3 dogs and 3 cats) and the kitchen/meals/shopping. He sits on his ass moping, watching movies or playing video games. I’m 20 years his senior and feel like his mom and maid. Every spring he comes back to life and things seem fine for a while, only to slowly yet gradually progress towards the unhappy separate lives winter. We are stuck financially. I can’t just kick him out, he doesn’t drive, so I’d have to drive him. He’s on welfare and can’t afford a rent on his own. I only stay with him because I do love him deep down and I was abandoned as a child and don’t want him to feel that. Pathetic. If I had a few thousand, I’d give it to him to get the eff out. I’ve asked him to leave before and he says “I’m not going anywhere”. My biggest mistake was signing a 2-year lease with him so he’s legally allowed to live here. I pay the rent anyway, he has a free ride. I’ll have to be the one to move out of my home if I want to move on and I just can’t afford it. Sick business started as love.

  63. i am my life are living alone in the same house. is it advisable to leave the house which belongs to me and is on my name. She contributed 20% for building the house. We have 2 daughters, she gets abusive when i tell him to break relations with family of her brother in law, as i am suspicious of bad relation between her and her brother in law. I have no proof. I look to love her much, but can not compromise that see continues the relationship with them.
    Sometime i think i leave the house for ever and search for a job in different state. As of now I am quite successful at age of 40. I am not sure how long I can live separately in he same house with no talk to her. Is it better for me to leave the house to her and 2 daughters or just stay there seperately

  64. My husband and i dont live in the same house or sleep in the same bed but are separated. We’ve been separated once before and he got in another relationship and i did too. I was 6 months pregnant with my second child and he kicked me out. After mu son was born we got back together and are now separated again. I had sex with another guy i really like and am now pregnant with my 3rd baby. Is it cheating if you dont live together or sleep together but are still married but are seaprated? Answers please! Im in desperate need

  65. My wife and I are for all extents and purposes separated. We do not sleep together or have sex for the past 15 years. We stay together for the children. We argue for too much. I work all the time just to stay away from home. Most of the time I eat out or make my own. I do most things for myself but not all because of time constraints. I support them monetarily until they are thru college. Lately, it has been getting more difficult because I need love from someone who loves me. I recently attended a college reunion and realized how bad things had become and how miserable I am. I have made life changes for myself to be a better person but realize that I have to move on or risk dying from loneliness and feeling dehumanized. I was fortunately to run into someone who changed my life in college. Seeing her again and learning she was divorced made me realize how screwed up my own life was, hence the need for me to change. I tried to repair things at home but my wife has no interest. Money is an issue right now. She is a stay at home mom. 3 kids in college, one home schooled in high school and one autistic who is a teen at home. My last child broke the back of our relation ship. She consumes nearly every moment of my wife along with the rest of kids. There is nothing left for me. I can no longer live this way. Any advise anyone can give me? This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and is very painful to me. I will try to do my best to take care of my family but I can no longer take being at home. Any advice?

    1. You say she has nothing left for you. Are you actively involved with the child that has special needs? This may be the foremost reason of your issues. It’s easy to disconnect as a man but if you fathered this child and are not actively involved, she may resent you. A child worh special needs is just that, they require more attention and care. If the relationship is important, take time to be a dad to the special needs of your last child. It may renew her passion in seeing your involvement. If you do not have the ability to do this, then move on and pay child support. She’s probably pissed and exhausted. There’s no room for selfishness. Help out and there’s more time for you.

  66. This is a real can of worms. More couples than you know are living this way. My wife and I stopped having sex about 7 years ago, and we stopped being tender to each other about 3 years ago. We’re both in our mid 50’s so we don’t (at this point) want to go through a divorce, but I suspect it will happen in the next 5 years or so. I think once we both retire, I would expect a divorce as both of us will want to get on with our separate lives and enjoy what life we have left wihout the anchor of a listless human attached. Cry no tears here, folks. It’s called life. We’ve both reconciled to the fact that it’s over. Long over. And we’re just sharing a home now because it’s convenient while we are career people. Once that ends, then life will move on.

    We sleep in separate bedrooms, live totally separte lives, and don’t communicate much. However, we do share expenses, food and other necessities of life. We no longer celebrate each other’s birthday nor holidays. Luckily, we have not children. That really complicates things. Once you get in your 50’s, most people are confident enough to do what they want no matter what others think. You tend to get sick and tired of worrying about what other people think as you did when you were younger. With age comes not only wisdom, but selective ignorance. You tend to ignore things that are useless to worry about, contrary to when you were younger and worried about everything. So loss of a lifelong spouse of 30 years is just another bump in the road of life to some of us. I realize others take this much harder.

    We’ve both had affairs. We both know the other has had them. And I think we both know that it’s just physical because we need that kind of closeness once in a while. Living like a hermit emotionally and sexually at any age can be difficult – depending on the person. I have a female friend that once she went through menopause, she shut down sexually and romantically, and was divorced two years later. She’s fine with that as she hates sex now, and doesn’t like the idea of romance at her (according to her) advance age of 53 years old. Yikes! Call the undertaker! 🙂

    We have all been given the gift of life, and the curse of memory. We need memory or we won’t know what’s harmful to our survival. But it can be a curse as memory is what gives us pain of loss.

    Onward and upward. As my father used to say….. “Tomorrow is another day”.

    Good luck everyone.

  67. I need advise. My husband and I love each other very much. My husband does not trust me financially thuscreason for divorce. We live together, and we go on long bike rides on his harley, we have had lunch together and he text me daily to do in several times a day… I just want out marriage back. Does this sound like I still have some hope
    Signed, hopeless?

  68. My husband and I need to separate but cant move out on our own. We have 3 kids and have a 3 bedroom home. However, the kids wont fit all in one room so I don’t know what to do. My husband and I cant share a room and a bed during all of this. WE can’t afford to have separate households. I am thinking I will just have to deal with my situation and pretend I am happy until my oldest son leaves for college then I can take his room in 2 years. Otherwise, I guess I can sleep on the couch in the formal living room. Anyone have any ideas?

    1. Hey, Brett,
      I have four kids and we are living together separated.
      I have played musical bedrooms a bit to make it happen, but I think having my own
      space has brought me the greatest peace in a situation where we just can’t afford
      two households (and after fifteen years and four marriage counselors we have tried
      everything and know that trying to make this work just isn’t going to happen.)
      Is there any ‘room’ that can be converted – and don’t worry about it feeling odd – it
      can be a formal living room, the basement rec room, an office. I have slept on the
      couch, I have put curtain rods across an office, and I’m currently converting a small
      basement we have into a small apartment. I share a bathroom with the kids, which
      is fine. (He’s very controlling and verbally abusive, and has had multiple affairs, but
      I still just submitted and gave him the the master bedroom and I’ve never been happier.
      I have found having my own ‘room’ has really brought so much peace. I have my own life,
      my own friends, and my own ‘room’. And it’s so great for the kids to have both parents in
      the house as long as no one is fighting. We are all happy.

  69. IF A WOMEN SAYS SHE SEPERATED WITH PAPERWORK SIGNED AND LIVING IN SAME HOUSE AND SLEEPING NAKED IN SAME BED AS HUSBAND EVERY NIGHT IS IT LEGIT SEPERATION OR NO

  70. we sleep in separate bedroom since 2014 until now(2017)and is emotionally very distant. Very sad to realize the truth. I don’t have anyone to ask advice….Please advice!!!

  71. OMG, do not believe I’m not alone in my situation…. Married 21 years, leaving separate lives for 15 years, could tolerate this situation while my son was little, but now he is in College and out of the house. I’m totally miserable, husband is a loner, just sits in his room and never wanted to go out or participate in any family activities. I beg him many times to get divorce, but he just refuse and said he would fight the divorce processing with all his strength, meaning the divorce would be very hostile and I’m just afraid to proceed. Also, I’ve always made more money than him (he did not work for 7 years out of 21 years of our marriage), just refused and I could not force him, had to support him and our young son. He has short term contract now and says, that in case I file for divorce, he would stop working and I would have to pay alimony to him for the rest of my working life. Actually true, we live in California….Do not know what to do, being stuck with this uncaring, unloving, cold man and afraid to go through hostile divorce, which could last years, consulted lawyers and was told that divorce from hostile spouse would be long and difficult.
    Thank you for readig. Appreciate your comments. What shoul I do?

  72. We have been married for 30 years. We were very happy, at least I thought we were, until 10 years ago he had an affair. Not a one night stand, he moved out… told me he loved her and so on. Then he was diagnosed with Prostate CA, literally only 1 week after telling me about her. He then moved back in and ” came to his senses” as he said. We fought his CA and everything that goes along with it. Meaning we NEVER were intimate again after he moved back in. Yes, a few attempts after some alcohol but let’s just say not exactly the same, which I understood and still do. Sex isn’t the deal breaker, but the affair I can’t ever get over . He destroyed me. Strange though, because he is impotent, he has become VERY aggressive, and controlling. Like, he doesn’t have control over THAT, so now he wants control over everything. Consequently, he thinks he is going to live forever and therefore, we will do that someday! He is 70+ I am 64. However, in the that last 4 years, I have lost my sight and can’t drive anymore. He takes this as I am disabled. Which I am not an idiot and can make decisions, regardless. He constantly overrides everything I say, from whats for dinner tonight to what to put in the washer to our finances. Every suggestion I make about finances he disagrees with. We have a lot of property, however it needs work, and time and repairs. He loves this, and I hate it. I want to sell everything and travel. He doesn’t want to leave the front door, except to drive around and check out his properties every day. We just don’t talk anymore, and if we do its bickering. I want to leave, but because of my blindness, and his obsessive control of our finances, I’m stuck. We have children and grandchildren, who would all be just fine if we separated. They have their own lives, and love us both. However the idea of living together, separately is not going to work for us. I just attempt to go to the grocery store using UBER and he complains about the money spent and I should just wait for him. I don’t want to sleep with him anymore, I want my own room upstairs. He get so aggressive if I even suggest such a thing. He doesn’t want me to leave, because he doesn’t think another woman would want him. He is afraid of being alone. He is wrong, there are lots of women who would. He is smart, fairly good looking and when he wants to be he can be charming. Interestingly though, he isn’t to me, anymore. I don’t think legal advice can help, If we get a divorce and divide our finances, he would be bankrupt and he would spend the rest of his life getting even with me to put me in the same boat as him. He doesn’t share well, he is brutal and ruthless when dealing with money. I live in CA, and it would be 50/50. Divided we would both crumble. He would make sure of it. He handles the money, as I said, and I believe he keeps it in constant crisis so I can’t leave. thoughts?

  73. Hello there,

    I am left behind under the same roof after wife try to put charges soon after holiday big argument after 14 years of marriage life.
    When I was in my 30’s I worked hard and paid all the bills , lone , mortgages and travel air tickets and take away and you name it.

    Few years back my income gone down and finding extra work or new work as a self-employed it become some time unbearable.

    Now my wife earns 4 times more than me and still forcing me to pay and not ready to support in any way.

    We don’t share same room over last 7 years and its effecting my health emotionally.

    We have one son aged 9 years.

    Is anyone there had similar situation and any solutions or advise ? please.

    Looking forward to have some comments please.

    I am based in UK

    Your’s faithfully.

  74. My wife and I live separate lives under the same roof. We see each other on Easter, thanksgiving and Christmas. My daughter is 28, married and she and her husband still live with us, we have 2 dogs and 2 cats. We have a mother/daughter home where my wife lives downstairs and I live upstairs with my daughter and son in law. I believe my wife and I are still together because we need each other financially. The dogs are downstairs and the cats are upstairs. I’m on disability, which she helped me achieve and my wife makes more money than I do. She also helped me when I had surgery a year ago by driving me to and from the hospital for my operation and also for a procedure I had done that I couldn’t drive home from. I go out 2 nights a week to socialize with friends. That helps me deal with my domestic situation greatly. We live like brother and sister. The only time we communicate is thru text messages that she sends me bi-weekly asking for money for bills. I can’t get divorced because, other than losing the house, it would put an unbelievably financial burden on my daughter, who is my whole world, because I believe she would want nothing to do with me after that. This is my situation and probably until my daughter moves out, nothing will change.

  75. Here is my situation. My husband has mental issues and he decided not to work anymore. Being a supportive wife I agreed to take on the breadwinner role. We had a 6 month old and just purchased our first home a month prior to him deciding not to work. It was very stressful. He then agreed to start watching the baby 6 months after not working so we didn’t have to pay daycare. He isn’t very nice and is very controlling. I have no say in anything. He never took me out and always said I can be replaced. He never did any of the cooking, cleaning or errands or payed the bills. We went to get a divorce in 2010 but he begged me that he changed and to take him back. Then in 2014 he decided to leave me for my neighbor who was 16 years younger than him. That lasted a month than asked to get back with me. Then in 2016 while claiming he couldn’t leave the house because of mental issues all of this while taking care of everything and leaving work because he was having a panic attack and needed me I found out he was having a 6 month affair. He decided to leave me again and like an ass I took him back again. Then we bought our second house because 1 I didn’t want to live where I was and I wanted a better environment for our son. Well 4 nights ago he said he never loved me and wanted to be back with the first chic. I can’t take it anymore. He is never there for me. Constantly ignores me unless he needs something. Oh and he is an alcoholic who maxed out 2 of my cards. Totaled my car. Has broken tons of things including my spirit and self esteem over the years. I found out I have a health problem and he wants to leave. When my mom/best friend died he refused to come home from drinking and comfort me. He has destroyed all my friendships so now I have no one to talk to. And he says he is entitled to half of everything even though I paid for it and fixed things up because I “chose” to be the breadwinner. It’s so messed up.

  76. My husband said he wanted a divorce last Monday due to my extreme anxiety. A few days later we agreed on a six month separation. I’ll still be living at our apartment. Things are difficult. I don’t have a job or a car. I don’t want a divorce. I’m trying counseling to try to get my anxiety under control. I am heartbroken and don’t want to lose my husband.

  77. Unhappily married

    I am I a similar position with most of you. Sadly Church Pastors state GOD does for allow a couple to Divorce. Especially if you are the same religion, yet if you are different religions they will say then leave the marriage.

    Does GOD want his children suffering in an unhappy / miserable / abusive / failing marriage or relationship? The only correct answer is “No. So why do leaders of Churches say always say ” GOD does not allow divorces / seperarions”?

    1. Diana Burkley (Anderson)

      Interesting information but Biblical? The Bible says if there is no peace in the home, you may separate, with the idea being to self examine (I think) and to reconcile if possible. I don’t know where the idea of what religion you are influences this claims to come from.

  78. I can understand your pain. Here is the hardest thing. If you seek help from a Church. The person will only say “The Bible says GOD does not allow divorce.” Try marriage counseling and see if that might help and safe your marriage. Also, try to express your honest feelikngs for each other. I mean lay everything on the table all the truth. I did that and that caused my wife to get counseling and realise where our marriage started to fail. I have been married for more than 20 years.
    One Psychiatrist stared “In your heart and mind you are already divorced. All you need to do is file the paperwork.” But due to cost of living is so expensive, I am not able to live alone. I am 46 years old and earn less than $50,000 a year before taxes. I have no family and no friends to move in with or to even ask for help or suppor t. I am all alone with no help and no support. Again I know the pain you are going through.

  79. I’ll take the blame here, after 35 years of marriage it was I that went looking elsewhere for romance. I’m an epileptic with a mild case of colitis and now 60-years-old, my lovely wife and friend are totally devasted that I would be so cruel towards her, which was never my intent but I did lose faith and hope in our marriage.
    She and I have agreed that I can stay at the house for 6 months but she made it clear we are not a couple any longer and I willingly agreed.
    Now comes the hard part the finances of our life together, which is one reason we are headed down this path and the fact that I have found someone else.
    So if anyone knows anything on CPP, I’m disabled, Help

  80. I have only been married 2 years 9 months into our marriage I was rear ended by FedEx truck ended up going through a spinal surgery. Sever cord compression if I did not have the surgery I would be paralyzed. I spent 10 years as a single mom and worked once we had a child together prior to marriage I stayed home to care for our daughter when she turned 3 I had the accident. I have many limitations now postop I am in severe pain daily the Dr’s are recommending another surgery. Every day he verbally abuses me talks about how hard he works and he is in pain. He has no compassion or consideration and treats me terribly. I applied for disability and got denied basically if my accident was 6 days sooner I would have got disability but not working to care for my newborn my cut off time I paid into SSI was March 31 2016 accident was may 6th 2016. He controls the money. My mom just had a heart attack so I have no where to go with my children. My oldest tells me to divorce him every day. I can’t work my whole right side is shot there is no work I could do. I just signed a new lease with him a month ago and just feel so trapped and defeated I never thought my life would turn out like this. It’s toxic his actions are as if he is possessed. I know the only thing other then me kids keeping me going is my faith I pray every night for a way out. I am so glad I found this forum tonight. Godbless you all in your struggles and my hopes are that soon the way out will come.

  81. hi I am also in the same situation my marriage broke in 2009 ,she does not work ,we have 3 kids ,we live under same roof as I bought the house in 2000 ,the only thing I did I talked openly with my kids about it ,as I did not want them to be affected by the situation ,and they are coping ,we are living in separate rooms ,it has been like this for 8 years now and at least my house is peaceful since we don’t talk to each other ,if I need to go out for a week ,no question will I be asked and its the same for her in truth after our separation I was happy after having endured insults from her

  82. Have made the decision your space / my space. No one to look after this ill man – so as I have already sacrificed almost 2 decades to doing so – really nothing left of me to give if there was someone sincere to give to. We are financially joined at the hip unfortunately. Plus have too many animals who do not deserve to be separated or put up for adoption and again separated. They grew up together as a family. Unfortunately he could not keep his pants zipped before we married (found out after and I had nothing to get out with)…and recently found out after decades his heart belong to a different one all along. Call me used. Now to old, too tired, too worn down to start over. I put too much into my home and business – we share. If he goes, I lose everything. If I go, he loses everything plus he will end up who knows. I am stronger – he is not. So the rest of his life or mine – it will be like this. Marriage by deceit and for his convenience. I will survive. I have this far. But the sacrifice was great.

  83. It’s amazing how far apart we have been emotionally ,my wife and I live together but separate rooms and live socal lives separately .I want to move on but can’t make that decision because we have 3 daughters I absolutely love and they are real close to me ,I pay all the bills and I’m getting tired of the stress that comes with it when money is tight ,she works but doesn’t help pay anything and uses my daughters to benefit what I provide for them ,so I’m getting resentful and taken advantage of financially ,she is under the assumption that as the father I have to pay everything while she gets to do whatever she wants ,I’m in a bad situation here if I stay I’m unhappy if I leave I leave my daughters and have to put them through not having a father in the home .I love the memories we had but no longer love her as a wife cause I don’t know the person I married anymore ..anytime I do try to talk about bills it’s always ,I’m tired ,I have a headache ,I have to work ,so is the best way is to file for separation so she can also have the same responsibility that I have ,or is it always the man issue to provide when both are working but one is paying all bills for the family .

  84. I need 2papers to fill out for free sepration agreement still living under the same roof so we can fill them out I couldn’t find what I was looking for on the compture.i didn’t want to fill out wrong papers. could u send me what we need to fill out thank you jim webb

  85. My wife decided to lease a new apartment behind my back and told me two weeks before leaving. She continues to blame me that our relationship is not good because we can’t communicate well. She is very controlling and always makes drastic decisions. So last year I lost my job and decided to open up my own business, which I never felt support from her because in Times she would ask me to get a 9 to 5 job. I take my three kids to school and from school, also doctors appointments etc. Now she’s got a new job and makes more than me and decided to leave and keep the car and I’m left without transportation and not knowing how to pay for all the bills and rent. The day she left she did not say where she was going and I didn’t here
    From my kids for about 3 days. I have been staying with my kids for the past two days and noticed a lot of text messages on her phone as well as late calls. The other night she talked to the kids and then received and phone call from a number she has been texting and calling since July. After that I texted her didn’t get a response and she had the phone off until the next day. My youngest daughter tried to call her as well and no luck and she lies to my daughter and said she called an hour later and it was not true. I’m in the position now that I don’t know what to do. We will have the kids every other week but I have no transportation because she feels entitled to the car. And we are not financialy in a good position to continue to add more debt and in separate homes.

  86. I am sad but happy to see so many woman live in the same situation that I do. My husband makes double the amount of money that I do and I work twice as I have to save up to do anything. He always has money left over to go and buy what he wants and do what he wants too. I finally decided to make our vacations plans without him and any outing without his as well.
    I still have to cook and clean and take my children to all of their functions. When it comes down to kids conferences I go as a single mother and any functions at my church I go with my children. He leaves every weekend to go with his buddies but in all honestly when he is going our house runs smoothly and we don’t have to see what’s on “his agenda” to get along with our day. We still sleep in the same room but I wait till he falls asleep and then I sleep in my bed.
    I know it’s a sad situation but financially I can’t do it alone and to be honest, I don’t want too.

  87. I’m trying to figure out what to do.
    My wife is filing for a divorce.
    She’s been seeing other people prior to that but in california that doesn’t matter.
    She also just had a letter notarized stating she’s giving my physical custody of our 13 year old son with joint legal custody which means my son with live with me , his father and she will have right to help with important decisions and have visitation.
    Right now we still live under same roof in a house we are about to be evicted from.
    I worked and paid all the bills for the 14 years of marriage, she never worked. but everything including lease is in her name.
    I’m wondering if while we are in same house do I still have to pay for her food?
    She’s says she’s looking for a job but hasn’t been hired yet.
    I’m trying to save to move out with my son now that I’m about to become a single father.
    It would be nice if I didn’t have to buy her food and things from store so that money could be put toward moving out with my son.
    We are in California.
    Any advice ? thanks.

    1. You and your spouse each have a duty to support each other in most states, so letting her go hungry is not an option under the law, I think. But I’m not an attorney, so it is best to seek legal advice from an attorney in your area who knows your local law.

  88. I’ve been married for 9 years. 4.5 years ago I discovered my husband was cheating on me. I was devastated! He said he stopped but I caught him again and again and again and again and again and all of those he denied he lied and lied and lied and lied! We are both active in Church choir and praise team! how could he do such a thing? Three days ago I found out again that he’s been with this girl who is 30 years his junior!! since that day, he’s been sleeping in the guest room(I didn’t ask him to) We haven’t had sex for over a year now. I’ve been faithful to him since I said yes to him 10 years ago. I’m beyond devastated, I’ve been haunted with thoughts of him with her everyday! I try to love him back and he loves me back in return but it hurts so much! its just so painful and last night I screammmmmmmmmed so hard and loud I felt the evil one got control of me…………… I honestly can’t afford to live on my own..I used to live on my own but spent the last $7,000 of my savings on my marriage to him…I have no money on my own….I work at a homebased daycare with 10 kids with no assistant and everyday is a hard day although its such a rewarding job as kids are so innocent and they love you unconditionally. I love every kid like they’re my kids but cry at home because it’s impossible to give them the attention that they need..hopefully and prayerfully my boss will get an assistant teacher soon or she might just close the daycare down…sorry I side tracked …. I think looks like my hubby and l will take a day at a time…..please help me….why did I even marry this man why God why God? I prayed fervantly for this marriage for 8 years and this happens?

  89. I’m 45 years old and this is the second marriage with an alcoholic husband this time. I am a well-educated woman. We decided to have children at a very late age. We have three toddlers. He got a DUI last Wednesday, and while financially burdened by his decisions and other factors, I am now searching for a job frantically and trying to make ends meet. I am a student with a master’s background in finance and have been a stay-at-home mom for 3 years. My career ended with the birth of our twins because of my Advanced age and inability to find daycare for 3 young children. Now I am finding that it is difficult to find a job. I am highly marketable and have potential for a great salary. However my husband his alcoholic issues, received a DUI and is now in jail. Since I am a stay-at-home mom due to the circumstance of having a difficulty in finding childcare for 3 children under the age of 4, I am desperate to find work and daycare. I am not quite sure I am willing to go through reconciliation and make this work. If anyone has experience in this area, please email me. Jenbrown 8214@ gmail.com

  90. I live with a macho man who thinks he is always right. Super friendly to all, will take off his shirt for a friend. This is why I married him. Now I realize he is better friend thn he is a husband or father. 90% time I hate him, my daughter loves him. Its so hard, but i am much happier person and mother when he is not around. Divorse is not an option right now, I just wished it was easier. ?

  91. This is 2018 and I’ve had it. I have tried many years.Its not working. Yes, i want a divorce I think it would have been better being friends. Two beautiful boys involved, i dont wont to hurt them. Im being strong for them. I dont have to take this. He is unable to support himself.

    1. I have the same situation I’m the only one working and he just sits and drinks beer and snores on the couch. I’m just sick and tired too if it all it’s just me and my son that is 20 yrs old which has some devlopement issues, and my dogs I just want to leave!! But I can’t afford to leave!

  92. My husband walked out on us on December 23rd 2017. We have two children under the age of 2. Ages 4 and 1/2 months and 22 months. He has not returned back to the home refuses to give me any money. He transfers money from his personal account to the joint account in only the exact amount of money that I need to pay each bill. He doesn’t give me any extra money for gas for food for anything for our children. I have to take money out of my daughters life insurance policy account to get our kids things that they need like clothing and food. And he goes to the grocery store and only gets what’s on the list for the kids if I add anything that I need he conveniently forgets that item or items.

  93. This is an interesting post and I’m now between a rock and a hard place.
    My husband and I have been estranged for several years, he’s had terminal cancer,
    and 7 heart attacks, He was treating me like
    an indentured servant, and I was paying half the Bills. He never ever
    supported me or ever paid any of my Bills, I nursed him through
    every illness.
    He was given 4 to 6 months last August, my attorney said to wait it out.
    He abandoned the property 2 days before Hurricane Irma, leaving me to deal with
    preparing and the aftermath with out a cent. Then he turns up at the door Dec 3 bitching
    I changed the locks, called the sheriff, He and his daughter have for the past 3 years
    bombarded me with threats, I will not leave, I am now paying 100% of all the Bills on a
    very limited income Everything in the house was mine when we married, I’ve paid for thousands in improvements I’m now dealing with insurance, FEMA and the SBA. getting turned down right left and center.
    He will not sign any check unless he gets half in cash. The sheriff was out here 4 times in January because of threats made to me. He threatened to slash my tires, so the car in off the premises , Now his daughter is coming down to go through the house to take what she wants. all my things. And I learn its community property, can she just come down and help herself to my belongings? I had the house written up as By right of survivorship, which means when he does finally kick the bucket its mine free and clear, Oh I did pay it off in 2015. So can anyone come up with something, anything, I keep hearing your married he cannot kick you out and you cannot kick me out, although his daughter is trying to find a way to do that.

      1. Shari Monetta

        Ginita, my situation has only gotten worse since ai first posted.
        I do have two Attorneys, our Elder attorney that wrote the wills, he is also my Guardian,
        and Power of Attorney, The other is a family Attorney, but as he’s terminal and now under HOSPICE care, he has nothing to lose by terrorizing me.The two daughters, were here last week and vandalized the house, they are 57 ad 61, they are coming back the end of the month, most probably to help themselves. I heard one the phone calls ,she wants to get this house in order to sell it. I had the deed written By Right of Survivorship, her name is not on the deed. But she is a viper and thinks New York laws apply in Florida.
        None of their late mothers things are here, they want all of mine.
        we’ve been married 18 years, 10 have been horrible, the last 4 living under the bylaws for seperate living together. I’m maitaining the property paying all the bills. do nothing for him, his daughetr is his POA pays his bills. his funds were moved in 2014, Jan he closed out his 401K not wishing to pay the taxrs, he thinks I will be hit with them , but I will not. taking it out keeps me from getting my share.
        I read an earlier post you wrote about SS, can I apply for his while he is still alive, its really hard paying for everything on 750.00 a month which is my SS. I paid the house off in 2015, stand in line twice a seek for charity food or I would not eat. That extra money would be like a bucket of gold for me each month.
        All I hear is you are still married, there is nothing we can do. There is no point to divorce, he is terminal.
        And I have no money for a divorce. On top of all this I am fighting the insurance Co over my Hurricane Irma damages, refused by FEMA, sba says I have no money to pay back a loan, so now I’ll be asking my Senator to interceed and try and get me a FEMA grant My husband is 85 and I’m 74.
        Hangingon by a thread.

        1. You are entitled to your own social security benefits or spousal benefits, whichever is higher. I’m guessing that social security is paying you the highest benefit to which you are entitled, since that is their mandate, but you can certainly check with them to see if that is true.

  94. Shari Monetta

    Husband and I have been separated 4 years and living in same home, he will not leave.
    He is terminally ill with Cancer, now under HOSPICE care, his two daughters’ have
    left him here for me to deal with. I’ve followed the guidelines above.
    I refuse to file for divorce, he has no money, its all about the house and my possessions.
    I had the house deed written, by right of survivorship, its basically mine.

    All the furnishings are mine, I’ve had some of my things for 50 years.we married
    three years after we met, purchased the
    house as unmarried, I poured all my funds from the sale of my former home
    into this property.
    The daughters were here last week damaged and vandalized.
    Now the one with the POA is coming back to prepare the house for sale
    and pack up my things to take.
    I’m paying all the bills.
    I’m waiting for a response from the two Attorneys. I had been told to just wait it out.
    That doesn’t seem to be working, daughter wants all of this done before he dies.
    Its all about money. Daughter is most interested in my Antiques and Art work.
    My will states my possessions go to the womens shelter
    I’m going to start taking them in now. Going to an Auction House here in Naples
    to see it they can take the big pieces.

    1. Shari Monetta

      Auction house not interested in my posessions, so am donating my things to the Womens shelter here in Naples. They are in my will to get everything anyway, so giving them most early.

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