Divorce Advice for Stay-at-Home Moms
Getting a divorce can feel scary for almost anyone, even if it’s the right choice for you and your family. But if you’re among the nearly 25% of American moms who are stay-at-home moms, you may feel especially vulnerable.
You made the decision to take a break from your career to raise your children (or maybe the financial reality of daycare costs made the choice for you!) and relied on your partner to financially support the family. Now, with divorce on the horizon, you may be wondering how you’ll make it on your own.
While the path ahead may seem daunting as you face divorce, you have more rights than you might realize. This guide will walk you through essential divorce advice for stay-at-home moms. And while the focus will be on mothers, we don’t want to overlook the incredible contributions of stay-at-home fathers. After all, nearly one in five stay-at-home parents is a dad. If you’re an SAHF, all the advice in this article will be just as relevant to you.
Alimony and Spousal Support for Stay-at-Home Moms
Stay-at-home moms work around the clock to care for their children, keeping them fed, clean, and healthy while also taking care of the household and handling numerous other chores. (The dog doesn’t walk itself, after all.) In fact, according to Investopedia, the work of a stay-at-home parent is worth over $200,000 a year!
Many stay-at-home moms leave their careers after having children. That doesn’t just result in a lost paycheck every month. You’re also giving up promotions, retirement contributions, valuable benefits, and career advancement.
Fortunately, the legal system isn’t blind to all you’ve sacrificed, which is why many SAHMs can qualify for alimony.
What Is Alimony?
Alimony, also called spousal support in some states, is financial support that the higher-earning spouse pays to their ex after the divorce. Stay-at-home parents often have a strong case for receiving alimony because they’ve been financially dependent on their spouse and may have limited earning capacity due to staying at home.
Will you qualify for alimony? Courts will consider a number of factors when deciding on this question, including:
- The length of your marriage (longer marriages have a better chance of resulting in alimony)
- Your current standard of living
- Your age and health
- Your ability to support yourself after the divorce
You don’t necessarily need to go to court to ask for alimony. You can also negotiate for it during divorce mediation or during a collaborative divorce process. It’s always a good idea to work with an experienced divorce attorney to get a better idea of whether or not you’re a good candidate for spousal support.
Different Types of Alimony for Stay-at-Home Moms
Not all alimony is permanent. If you haven’t been married long or if you have strong career prospects, a court may award you temporary alimony that ends after a certain period. Rehabilitative alimony is another popular option, which is designed to cover your expenses while you get back on your feet, update your skills, and re-enter the workforce.
You’re most likely to qualify for permanent alimony if you’ve been married to your spouse for a long time (typically 10 years or more) and can show that it would be difficult for you to re-enter the workforce to support yourself.
What Stay-at-Home Moms Need to Know About Child Support
While you start putting together a plan to negotiate for alimony during your divorce, don’t forget about child support, too. Alimony and child support are two different things. Child support is money your ex pays you specifically to help cover the costs of raising your children after the divorce.
Even if you don’t qualify for alimony, you can still get child support based on your children’s needs.
How to Get Child Support as a Stay-at-Home Mom
Calculating the amount of child support you may qualify for can be tricky. States use different formulas to come up with this number. The biggest factors they consider are:
- The income of each parent
- The number of children you have
- Your custody arrangements
- Any special needs your children may have
As a stay-at-home mom, you likely have a very good case for requesting child support, since your spouse was the primary breadwinner of your family. The greater the income gap between you and your partner, the more child support you’re likely to receive.
What Child Support Covers
It’s important to understand that child support payments are meant to cover the basic necessities of caring for your children. That can include things like:
- Food
- Clothing
- Housing
- Everyday care expenses
During your divorce settlement negotiations, you can also request child support for things like healthcare costs, childcare expenses, your kids’ activities (like soccer and piano lessons), and even education expenses if your kids go to a private school.
Just keep in mind that child support isn’t meant to cover everything. Your divorce lawyer and/or financial specialist can help you craft your child support negotiation strategy based on your family’s needs.
Will You Get Child Support?
The good news is that stay-at-home moms are very likely to qualify for child support. The bad news? Many mothers never see this money. Over half of divorced parents don’t receive their full child support payments, and 30% of parents receive nothing at all.
While you may be able to garnish your ex’s wages or seek legal penalties against them until they pay up, it’s a good idea not to rely on child support as your sole source of income after divorce.
If your ex does start to miss child support payments, document everything and work with a divorce attorney to try and get what you are owed.
Child Custody for Stay-at-Home Moms
As the parent who has very likely changed the most diapers, managed school pickups, driven the kids to their doctors’ appointments, and been the queen of homework help, you might assume you’ll automatically get primary custody of your kids as part of your divorce.
While being the primary caregiver does matter during your child custody negotiations, it doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get sole custody or even primary custody. Modern family courts strongly favor shared child custody arrangements.
How Courts Decide on Child Custody
It wasn’t so long ago when courts routinely gave custody preference to mothers in divorce cases. Today, however, judges focus on what arrangement is best for the children. They’ll look at things like:
- Each parent’s ability to provide a stable home environment
- The emotional bond each parent has with the children
- The children’s connection to their school and community
How to Strengthen Your Custody Case
Whether you’re looking for shared custody or primary custody of your children, your history as the primary caregiver does carry weight. To help support your case, document your involvement in your children’s lives.
Keep records of things like:
- School communications
- Medical appointments you’ve attended
- Extracurricular activities you’ve managed
- Your day-to-day caregiving responsibilities
In other words, show that you’re the parent who has been most involved in the daily details of raising your children. You also want to show that you can provide a consistent, nurturing home for your children and maintain their current routines.
What Stay-at-Home Moms Need to Know About Asset Division During Divorce
You may think that your spouse has a big advantage when it comes to dividing assets like the house, the cars, and the retirement accounts during your divorce because their paycheck funded those things.
Not so fast. Remember, your unpaid work at home allowed your spouse to build their career and earn that paycheck. Every asset either of you earned during your marriage is typically considered “marital property,” meaning that you are owed a piece of it during your divorce.
Marital Property vs. Separate Property
Just to reiterate, with a few exceptions, anything acquired during your marriage belongs to both you and your spouse. This includes things like:
- The house
- Your cars
- Retirement accounts
- Investment portfolios
- Savings accounts
- Business interests
- Pensions
- Crypto wallets
- And more
It doesn’t matter if only your spouse’s name is on the deed, the car title, or the 401(k) account. It also doesn’t matter if you’ve never worked outside the home. It’s all marital property.
The main exceptions include assets either of you owned before marriage, any inheritances a single spouse received, and gifts given to one spouse. These items are typically considered “separate property.”
How Courts Divide Property
When determining how to divide marital property during divorce, states fall into two categories: “equitable distribution states” and “community property states.” Equitable distribution states try to divide assets fairly, but that doesn’t necessarily mean equally. Stay-at-home moms who sacrificed their career advancement can be awarded more liquid assets or ongoing support to help balance out their reduced earning power.
Community property states, on the other hand, simply split marital property 50/50.
Remember, you can always negotiate your own asset division if your spouse is willing to play ball, but all divorce settlements need to be approved by a court before they can go into effect.
Creating Your Post-Divorce Budget as a Stay-at-Home Mom
Agreeing to a divorce settlement is only one piece of your divorce journey. As a stay-at-home mom, you’ll also need to plan for your post-divorce life. That starts by preparing a workable budget at this new stage of life.
We won’t sugarcoat your new reality. Divorce often requires big financial adjustments, especially for stay-at-home moms. It shouldn’t be surprising that women usually suffer more financially than men as a result of divorce. That’s why creating a workable budget as soon as possible during or after a divorce is so important.
Building a New Budget after Divorce
Step one in creating your post-divorce budget is to track your current expenses. Review your bank statements and credit card bills for the past six months to understand your family’s spending patterns.
Figure out your essential expenses, like rent or mortgage, utilities, groceries, transportation, insurance, and healthcare. Don’t forget irregular expenses like school supplies, car maintenance, or annual membership fees.
This will give you a baseline for your current spending.
Next, determine your post-divorce income. That may include alimony and child support. Just keep in mind that both of these things may not be reliable or permanent. If you’re planning to go back to work, be realistic about what you can earn, especially if you’ve been out of the workforce for a while.
It’s better to underestimate your income than overestimate.
Be Ready for Big Lifestyle Changes
There’s no way around it. Your finances are going to change in a big way after your divorce, and you need to be prepared for this new reality. That might mean selling the house and downsizing, cutting out certain things you’ve taken for granted, like lots of restaurant meals or spendy vacations. You may also need to find creative ways to stretch your budget.
Feeling nervous? That’s normal. But your post-divorce success has a lot to do with your outlook. Many divorced women find that they’re happier with a simpler lifestyle if it means leaving an unhealthy relationship.
Even though your money might be tight, it still may be a good idea to hire a professional financial advisor to help you design a realistic post-divorce budget.
Planning for Retirement After Divorce as a Stay-at-Home Mom
Retirement may feel like a distant concern as you plan for your immediate financial future after divorce. But ignoring retirement during your divorce negotiations can be a costly mistake.
Remember, leaving your job to raise your children wasn’t just about losing a paycheck. You also lost out on retirement contributions, including possible benefits like 401(k) matches. That’s why it’s so important to fight for retirement assets in your divorce.
Don’t Sacrifice Your Retirement During Divorce Negotiations
Some stay-at-home moms prioritize keeping the house or getting immediate cash during their divorce negotiations. Don’t forget about the retirement accounts (yours and your spouse’s).
Accounts like 401(k)s, IRAs, and pensions are extremely valuable marital assets. Even if you don’t have your own retirement account, you are entitled to a portion of whatever retirement money your spouse has accumulated during your marriage.
Your divorce attorney and financial advisor can help you devise a strategy to negotiate for retirement assets and explain how retirement assets can be divided.
Starting Your Own Retirement Savings After Divorce
Your budget will likely be tight after your divorce, but that doesn’t mean you can afford to ignore saving for retirement. Make it a priority to continue saving for retirement post-divorce. Don’t have a retirement account? It’s never too late to open one. Even if you aren’t employed, you can open an IRA through a variety of financial institutions. (This is another area where it can be incredibly useful to work with a financial advisor.)
Even saving a small amount each month can add up over time. If you’re over 50, you can also take advantage of catch-up contributions that allow you to save more money each year.
Health Insurance for Stay-at-Home Moms After Divorce
Many stay-at-home moms rely on their spouse’s employer for health insurance. If that’s you, you’ll lose your coverage after the divorce. This can be a scary proposition, especially if your children have ongoing medical needs, but you have options.
Health Insurance for Your Children
Here’s some good news. If your ex is covered by an employer-sponsored health insurance plan, your children can remain covered under that plan. This can take a huge financial burden off your shoulders. Just make sure your divorce agreement explicitly states which parent will maintain health insurance for the children and who will pay for any out-of-pocket medical expenses that insurance may not cover.
Your Health Insurance Options
Even though the divorce process is likely to turn your life upside down, do your best not to allow a gap in your health insurance. A single medical emergency could derail your post-divorce financial recovery.
Here are some options for maintaining your health insurance after divorce:
- COBRA: You can switch to COBRA coverage, which allows you to stay on your ex’s employer-provided health insurance for up to 36 months after divorce. The catch is that you’ll need to pay the full premium out of pocket, along with fees, which can be expensive.
- Health Insurance Marketplace: Your next option is to purchase private insurance through the health insurance marketplace created by the Affordable Care Act. These plans vary by state and offer different levels of coverage. Divorce allows you to enroll outside the typical enrollment window. Depending on your income, you may also qualify for subsidies. Just be aware that costs for ACA plans have been rising, and subsidies are always vulnerable to change.
- Medicaid: If your income is low enough after your divorce, you may qualify for Medicaid coverage, which is designed to provide free or low-cost health coverage. The eligibility requirements for Medicaid vary by state.
- Employer Coverage: If you plan to go back to work after your divorce, look for positions that offer health insurance benefits. Some companies, like Starbucks, Trader Joe’s, and Lowe’s, even offer health insurance for part-time employees.
One last thing to keep in mind is that you can always include health insurance coverage in your divorce negotiations. For example, you may be willing to give up certain assets to your spouse in exchange for them covering your health insurance for a certain amount of time. Your lawyer can help you design the right negotiation strategy for your situation.
Re-Entering the Work Force After Divorce
After your divorce, you may feel compelled to go back to work as a matter of financial necessity or as a way to rebuild your independence. Either way, you’ll face an employment gap that may span years or even decades. Don’t let this challenge stop you from believing in yourself.
How Going Back to Work Could Impact Alimony and Child Support
Before you start updating your resume or scheduling interviews, be aware that returning to work can impact your alimony and child support payments. If your personal income increases, your ex can ask the courts to lower the amount of alimony they pay or recalculate their child support obligations.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to go back to work. But you do need to be strategic about your choices. If taking a low-paying job that makes you miserable and forces you to pay for childcare also lowers your alimony and child support income, that might not be a smart calculation.
Keep in mind that you can also negotiate a divorce agreement that protects alimony for a certain amount of time, regardless of whether or not you’re working. You can also negotiate for a gradual phase-out of support as you earn more.
This is why it’s so important to work with an experienced divorce lawyer when putting together your divorce negotiation strategy.
Getting Back to Work
If you decide to hit the job market, you’ll need to address your employment gap. The best course of action is usually to be honest and positive. Frame it as a deliberate choice you made for your family.
Highlight the skills you’ve developed while at home, including things like:
- Project management
- Problem-solving
- Multitasking
- Communication
Don’t be shy about including things on your resume like volunteering at your children’s schools, managing community projects, or serving on boards.
You may also want to refresh your skills before you jump back into the job market. Consider taking online courses, attending workshops, or earning certifications in your industry.
Still want to be available for your children? These days, you have a lot of options when it comes to finding part-time work, remote positions, contract jobs, or freelancing opportunities. Get creative and start networking, and you may be surprised by what opportunities you discover.
Finally, as you begin your job search, keep your expectations realistic. It’s likely that you won’t be able to easily return to your old position or earn your previous salary. If you’ve never worked or have a long gap in your work history, you might want to look for entry-level positions as a jumping-off point.
Getting your foot in the door is just the first step toward rebuilding your career trajectory.
Stay-at-Home Moms and Mental Health During Divorce
As a stay-at-home mom, you’ve spent years or most of your entire adult life defined by your role as a wife and mother within your family. Now, your marriage is ending, which means a reimagining of who you are and what your life will look like moving forward.
You’re becoming a single mom who operates a solo household and will likely share custody of your children. That means experiencing empty periods when your children are with your ex. Your day-to-day life will also look different. You’ll likely need to manage a tighter budget, possibly move to a different home, and consider rejoining the workforce. These huge shifts can feel disoriented and lonely, even if divorce is the right choice for you.
This emotional journey deserves as much attention as the financial and legal aspects of your divorce.
Prioritize Your Mental Health After Divorce
For stay-at-home moms, self-care is often the last thing on the “to-do” list, but it’s absolutely crucial that you take care of yourself during the huge upheaval of divorce. That may mean prioritizing exercise, time with friends, your favorite hobby, journaling, or simply resting.
Taking time for yourself isn’t selfish. It’s essential for your ability to show up for your children and rebuild your life. Even if your finances are tight, you may also want to consider investing in therapy. A therapist who specializes in divorce can help you process your grief, manage your anxiety about the future, and work with you to develop healthy coping strategies.
If the cost of therapy is too daunting, look for local support groups in your area where you can share your story with others on the same path.
How Stay-at-Home Moms Can Move Forward from Divorce
As a stay-at-home mom (or stay-at-home dad), the first and most important thing to know when facing divorce is that you aren’t powerless. After all, you are a superstar, raising your children to become incredible people, taking care of the home, and keeping your family running.
Divorce is just one more challenge you can overcome with the right preparation and education. Make sure you understand your rights, build a strong divorce team of professionals, document everything, and don’t let fear or guilt trick you into accepting a bad divorce settlement.
Your years of sacrifice and unpaid labor matter. You deserve financial security and the chance to build a stable, independent life for yourself and your children.
Second Saturday can help. Our organization puts on divorce workshops across the US led by experienced legal, financial, and emotional health professionals who provide neutral, non-judgmental education so you can make the best decision for your family.
